Waiting for the Surgeon or Someone Similar

Cancer.  You have cancer. You have cancer again, but it is a different cancer and it is in a different place.  Still, just like last time we are going to have to cut it out.  Just like last time we will be putting you under anesthesia  and carving up your body.  Just like last time you will hurt for a long, long time. But hey, it looks like we caught it early.

Fuck.  Double Fuck.

My doctor said that I was entitled to a rebate on my body.  Over the years he has treated me it has come to light that I am a specimen of extraordinary defects.  No I am not just talking about the moral ones.  I have a caved in ribcage, I had a heart conduction problem, I have nystagmus, I have arches that would be the envy of Mr.Eiffel of the tower fame.  And the list goes on from there.  A bad appendix, a bad gall bladder, a bad prostate and now a troublesome kidney.

In about a month’s time they will wrench some part of my left kidney out of my body.  If all goes well I will be in recovery mode for about a month.  Thing was they were not even looking for it.  They were looking for something with my bladder and viola, Mr. T. you have renal cancer.

Triple Fuck.

People ask me how am I feeling.  Truth be told I feel not a whit different than I felt the day before the ominous CAT scan that has placed me on this road of fear and imminent pain.  I am still walking five miles a day.  I still am taking photographs of flowers. I am still thinking about what meaning we can take from the natural world, as we live in this time of darkness in all things human made.

In five months, eighteen days I will cease working at my 9 to 5 job.  In six months I will set out on a global adventure.   This assumes all goes well on 09/09/19 and afterwards. Am I mentally different? Not really is the answer that comes to mind.  I am basically in a state of suspended life right now.  Until I deal with the cancer, I cannot take another step forward.  Life goes on, at least for a time.  I will keep posting about what is going on.

I do note that the next step is a second opinion.  I will know when that is soon.  Keep checking back I will keep you informed.