Coffee is made and sitting in the carafe to stay warm. Francie and Secundus are off on their way to
work and school. Francie and I got in
late last night and retrieved Secundus from our gracious friends where he had
been staying while we travelled to North Carolina. “Travelled to North Carolina”, that sounds so
sterile, so vague. Secundus stayed with the
family of his dear friend while we went to be with my sister-in-law, her kids,
my sister and a variety of other people. We gathered in the home state of my
father to communally share the impact of my oldest brother’s death.
The memorial service was on Monday and I left Tuesday. On both my way down on Sunday and on my way
back on Tuesday I took anti-anxiety drugs because I am a nervous flyer. The
upshot of this is that I had about 30 hours of clear mind to process all of
what was going on. Thirty hours was not
enough time to get to where I need to be mentally and emotionally. I feel empty, I feel loss, and I feel less
whole. Sure I could have dragged my ass into work today but it really wasn’t
the optimal choice. With my mind filled with pain and faced with the absence of
one of the fixed stars in my firmament, my focus would have been nonexistent. So I have stayed home. Until I have had a bit more time alone I will
not be good for anyone.
The celebration of John’s life was beautiful. His wife spoke and she spoke eloquently. His brother in law spoke and he had the right
inflection of warmth and pain to convey what we were all feeling. I spoke and tried to convey a sense of hope
for us all and to reflect a sense of the meaning and purpose of my brother’s
life. And we ate as all good southern rooted families do. I ate the sausage my sister had brought down
from Haines Pork up in Mickelton, N.J.[i].
This was comfort food number 1. I also
ate a good portion of the three pounds of barbeque from Carolina Barbeque[ii].
This was comfort food #2. Weight Watchers at noon today is going to suck and
suck bad.
There is emptiness in my soul right now and lots and lots of
thoughts about missed opportunities and neglected chances to have shared more
of my life, this life, with my brother.
I look at his family and think how much was lost to me and to them by my
not being in more frequent contact. I
screwed up. In reading my daily Buddhist meditation I found this.
Knowing Death
[People say] I know
I'm going to die someday. I know I can't take it with me. I know my body will
be dust. And as with other things—as with the law of impermanence itself—I
would say we know it and we don't know it. We know it in our heads but haven't
taken it into our hearts. We haven't let it penetrate the marrow of our bones.
If we had, I can't help thinking we would live differently. Our whole lives would
be different. The planet would be different as well.
If we understood the
reality of death, we would treat each other differently. Carlos Castaneda was
once asked how we could make our lives more spiritual, and he said: Just
remember that everyone you encounter today, everyone you see, will someday have
to die. He's right. That knowledge changes our whole relationship to people.
- Larry Rosenberg
My hope is that in going forward I can take a lesson from my
brother’s life. He made connections everywhere
he went. He found a commonality with
people all over the spectrum of life. He
was no saint but he was open to experiencing the human spirit of others and of
maintaining long term connections. I
will try and do better. I will try and
be open to knowing the life, joys, delights, pains and sufferings of my family
and those around me. I will try and
learn from Carlos Castaneda that all of us hold on to this mortal coil by a
thread. Respecting that I will try and
offer something more to all I encounter.
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