Each day I listen carefully and try to really hear people as they talk about change in their lives. I really want to know what they have experienced and what is left inside of them afterwards. Often a single being sitting inform of me will recount a specific incident that led them to whatever purported redemption they have found.
Many individuals will detail very precision a specific act like their traumatic failure in providing for the needs of a spouse or a child as the catalyst for their transformation. Sometimes the tale I hear is one oft told on the big screen. You’ll know it I am sure. While lying in a county’s holding cell they sober up to the reality that prison time probably awaits them. Surrounded by concrete and steel the individual inventories what they have done, what they have done wrong and then they balance it against their hopes and aspirations. I do believe some of these tales and there are other tales that I do not find valid.
Sometimes the tale is nothing more than just “Meh, I dunno it just seemed like I should change.” Obviously the last response carries little weight with me. To me meh doesn’t carry a great deal of weight for me as a change catalyst.
No matter what is said, what particular story is told there is an emotional cost I experience listening to each and ever story. It is like I have to give up a thousandth of a per cent of my soul each time I weigh the claims of redemption against the record of failures. Over time that erosion of my moral being adds up. Without a doubt I pay a price and my family pays a price for the bit of heart inside of me that disappears or grows hard and cynical.
Last night in my role as a school official I had to sit in judgment of a case involving sexual impropriety amongst high school students. I had to read police reports, affidavits, and narrative statements. Then I in conjunction with my fellow officials had to listen to testimony. For 3 ½ hours my colleagues and I debated about what the actual nature of the offense was and what sanction if any should be involved.
Our debate was heated and tinged with issues of race, the role of authority, questions as to what constitutes acquiescence or consent, the reliability of the depictions, the internal consistency of statements made at the time of the incident versus statements made at the hearing.
Ultimately I cannot hint as to what the outcome was or why. I cannot divulge to you or my wife or my closest confidants anything that would unburden me except to talk about the experience in the most general of terms as I am doing now. My obligation is one of confidentiality and that obligation is as sacrosanct as the confidentiality mandate imposed on my in my status as a lawyer.
What I can tell you is that I believe as I have believed since I was at university that sexual crime against women or sexual crime against any non consenting person is one of the most heinous behaviors a person can engage in. I can tell you also that while we can argue about the meaning of gestures and the ambiguity of words in the context of a sexual encounter in the end the fact that any ambiguity remains speaks volumes about the lack of respect we as a society have for the integrity of a person. In the end the decision I made last night was right, and just. However may soul has lost forever a bit more of it essence than a normal day costs me.
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