Winning by Losing

In dealing with my oldest son I am often surprised by some of the things that we encounter in our shared lives. One of the most difficult things I have had to deal with is the very clear disconnect between his perception of how the world works and how I see the world working. Because of his Aspergers he often doesn’t size things up the way I do. His world view is not necessary wrong and I acknowledge that How he sees reality tends to be more clinical and more black and white than me. But in life and death situations it may be better to go with his dispassionate analysis.

Often big things for other kids don't seem to bother him. Normally a loss on the ice for his hockey team isn't a big deal. Other kids will be playing blame games or agonizing about what went wrong or what could have been done. There are times when his lack of exaggerated passion may be interpreted against him. It would appear to somebody who is unfamiliar with Aspergers that he isn't committed or doesn't care about the team success. Reaching such a conclusion would be wrong, dead wrong. But the lack of demonstrating the same emotions as standard kids can be counted against him on the calculus of who is really with us on this team.

Recently however the lack of emotion mode didn't hold true. Last Saturday his team had its collective butt handed to 'em. The score was double digits to zip, zilch, and nil. Me I chalked the loss up to the way the hockey program has progressed for the team over the years. I didn't blame the players but rather the system and decisions made by the league that had brought us here. The scoreboard stopped at 7 to 0 early in the second period. The real score was significantly more than double that.

I held the door off the ice open for the team. When Primus came off the ice he had tears in his eyes. His face was flushed and he just seemed torn up. This surprised me. It worried me a little bit because it meant to me that he was at an extreme point of his tolerance. I opted to wait for him to come out of the dressing room to see how he was. Normally I would have gone out to the lobby and commiserated with other parents.

When he walked out of the locker room I asked him if he was upset. He told me that he was and he asked me how he could not be because the game was an embarrassment. I asked him if he was upset with his play and he was. (In my mind he did all he could. He took the puck in the opposing teams end twice. If we had it there six times in the whole game I would be surprised.) He had a shot on goal. I believe it was our team’s only shot on goal. There might have been another when I was looking away.

Standing there was my son and his ASD I saw clear passion. He was emotional but controlled and he was doing self evaluation directly comparable to what other kids on his team were doing. This was something different. It was a step to acceptance in a world that just doesn’t get him.