From the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished File (or When did my Life Become a Seinfeld Episode?)

This was written yesterday. Sorry I took so long in posting it.

To quote Earl karma is a bitch.

Yesterday was my wife Francie's birthday. In the regard of duly noting the event I am a schmuck. While I did take her out to dinner I did not buy her flowers. Karma I tell you.

Like the cheap bastard I am I tried to pick up a bouquet at Sam's Club. There we were picking up some toilet paper the night before her birthday. I grabbed one of those cellophane wrapped bunches up by the check out. Romantic aren't I? No go. The “impulse” purchase was vetoed by Francie due to a perceived wilt factor.

On Thursday her actual birthday I tried to set up an ad hoc quick birthday dinner. Alas I couldn't find most of our friends. Michigan must be the new France. Nobody working in August and thus no one remains in town. Wait, no Michigan is the new dust bowl. No one is working at all ever because there is no way to make a living here. Everyone seems to be leaving to find work elsewhere. In Newfoundland they talk of having to go “away” for work. Sure seems like we’re living on a new version of the rock here. In the end I did find one wonderful person to join us.

Okay enough of the grim. When I got home last night, Thursday night, my son had taken in some flowers. These from him comments were due and owing to one of our neighbors. The flowers were unwrapped, no cellophane, no tissue paper, nada. A colorful array of red and white with some purple stuff and baby's breath they were delivered sans protection, what is that about? Our neighbors were apparently not home and thus there was a problem due to the continued heat here in the northern tier. In order to keep the small but elegant bouquet from wilting and conveying something less than joy to the recipient the flower delivery person knocked on our door and asked our son to hold the flowers for the neighbor. Primus agreed.

Looking at the flowers when I got home made me feel bad. I had not come through with the floral affirmation of love for my wife on her special day. Schmuck. Double Schmuck. I wanted this thorn in my side gone.

Well I did not get the opportunity to drop off the flowers right then. As soon as I got home Francie, Primus and I had to run to the high school to sign up for the chance for Primus try out for the hockey team. Try outs will not happen until November but all sports sign up is now to accommodate the only real sport that matters, football. We dashed to the school, we did the signing and then we rushed home. When we got home our friend was already there and any chance to deliver the flowers was gone. Jumping in our friend's car, just in case the birthday girl wanted to have a dinner drink, we headed out. Designated drivers are wonderful people.

Dinner was good. We had Italian at Bravo. The conversation was first-rate and the food full of flavor. However for all it highfaluting airs Bravo did not have the right dessert for this birthday celebration. We had to set out elsewhere to find....creme brulee. All in all last night shifting between several restaurants we shot three hours seeking and eating celebratory food. All in all the experience was wonderful. Francie seemed to really like the crème brulee we eventually found.

It was 9:30 when we got home. The flowers were glaring at me with their air of evil accusation. Francie and Primus said I had better deliver the flowers to our neighbor Kim.

Here is where the tricky part comes in. We live in the middle of a block and we have neighbors on both sides. The two couples who are quite different, but who are both are quite nice bear the exact same names. Both couples first names are John and Kim. That is right we have John and Kim to the right and John and Kim to the left. I asked Primus or rather he may have told me the flowers were for Kim of John and Kim to the right side of the house (henceforth John and Kim-right).

Dutifully I carried the flowers to the home of John and Kim-right feeling somewhat ashamed I had not done so earlier. (And then there was the whole schmuck thing going on in my head because I had not given my wife flowers-but I am not going to obsess on that anymore.) Hey the bouquet might be late but it was not wilted. I knocked. No answer. I knocked again and John-right came to the door. Taking the flowers from as I muttered something like,” these came today for your wife and you weren't home...” John-right smiled. Me, I dashed off. At least the floral irritant to my conscience was out of my life.

But no!

It was a beautiful day today temperature wise so I left the office early. After mucking about a bit in East Lansing I found myself in Mackerel Sky a wonderful gallery of artfully crafted articles for everyday life. To my non-Michigan friends here is the link, check it out. It is a great store and Tom and Linda are great people. http://www.mackerelsky.com/html_files/about_us.html Linda as usual was giving me guff when I came into the store. Linda is my source of inspiration for gifts when time is tight. Mackerel Sky is open until 3 p.m., on Christmas Eve. I have availed myself of its services and wares dashing in as late as 2:50 p.m., on December 24. It would emphasize how pathetic I am to admit I have done this on more than one occasion.

Anyway I had just gotten into the store and my cell phone rings. Francie was calling to tell me that she had just gotten an e-mail from Kim-left asking if we had gotten flowers for her yesterday. In a somewhat concerned voice Francie inquired if I had checked the address on the flowers before I had delivered them. Sensing that I had no problem here I said no, you told me they were for Kim-right. Ah not to be touched with guilt on this Francie said no, “Primus told you it was for Kim-right”. She again inquired if I had checked the address. A mere 10 seconds had passed and even if it had been more the answer would still have been no. I was simply doing what I was told. Then came the trump card, “You know your son can be a little distracted at times. It is part of who he is.”

Have you ever seen Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) die in Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giFoMYuy5b0 Owww, Ouch. Uhhhwwuh. Yeah the delivery of the flowers to the wrong address was on my head and I was feeling it. Francie at this point indicated she was deferring a few minutes before contacting Kim-left back. The delay was to allow me a way to figure out how to sort “my error” out. Yeah me!!!! Schmuck. This would never have happened had I sent my wife roses using ProFlowers. Really, I mean I am sure of this fact.

Dejected I hung up the phone and talked to the staff at Mackerel Sky. They were uniform in their agreement I was living a scene out of Larry David's life. Yup, they also indicated that this was really not my problem and perhaps I should contact the florist to set up a “make good” delivery. The communal logic was that it was the florist's error for the poor (really the absent) packaging and for leaving the flowers with my son. My actions were merely part of an inadvertent good natured bungle and retrieving the now day old flowers would not really be making the situation right.

As I left the store and proceeded to walk home the contacting the florist idea made sense. Using my iphone I looked up the number of the florist. It was local. With a local business involved telling them about the situation and setting up a “make good” delivery might be the best resolution. Wrong O Boyo.

When I tapped the screen and the number dialed I ended up being routed to a call center in Texas. The connection on the line was terrible. As I walked and talked I did eventually after repeated attempts convey the gist of the information to the clerk in Dallas or wherever she was. As I listened to the clerk I noted that her accent was so strong I found myself waiting for her to tell me to kiss off with Chief Brenda Lee Johnson's classic signature southern drawl infused line “Have a nice day” Click.

In the end the clerk did not tell me to kiss off and she indicated she would try and make arrangements for another drop off. To do this she needed a number for phone confirmation of delivery. She asked if I had Kim-left's number.

Looking in my cell directory I did not have Kim-left's number but I did have John-left's cell number. Giving her this number I chuckled to myself. It was clear to me that John-left wouldn't know what was going on when he got the call from the florist. Given what had happened this seemed par for the course. But at least I was doing the right thing.
Ah but the tale is not over yet.

As I walked down my street I saw the door to John and Kim-right's house open. I thought to myself ‘well I can at least explain what happened and in case the florist does not make good on the “make good” I can get the day old flowers and take them over to Kim left’. I knocked. I knocked again.

John-right eventually appeared. I started out with an “I have to apologize but I think I dropped off flowers to your wife last night that belonged to the other Kim.” At that point Kim-right came out of the hall going “Oh no, those were my flowers. They were a thank you from a former student”. I then explained that this state of facts was very weird. I went into how Francie had gotten a call from Kim-left indicating she that she thought we were holding some flowers for her. How odd was it I asked that we would have two deliveries of flowers to our house at the same time, one of which we could not account for.

At this point Kim-right said “Oh that must be my fault.” She then went on to explain that when she got home yesterday, after my group had gone looking for Italian food, see found a note saying something about there being flowers for Kim at 410 Ourstreet (not the real street name). Kim-right continued that her home had a lower number and so she assumed there must be flowers for Kim-left. As a result she then put the note on Kim-left's door. At this point I interjected that I lived at 410 Ourstreet and what the note had meant was that flowers were left for Kim at 410 Ourstreet not for Kim of 410 Ourstreet.

Giggles all around. Schmuck. Schmuck. Schmuck.

I decided that I would not call the florist back. I decided I would not call John-left back. What was the downside here? If the “make good” got delivered John and Kim-left get some joy (joy my wife did not get) by the delivery of beautiful flowers. Schmuck.