Hearty Soup and Soothing Songs

At the start of last week I was sitting in the coffee shop during my lunch hour. On occasion I will have a bowl of soup usually a gumbo or maybe something hearty like potato. Then, I will match it with a toasted plain bagel and some ice tea for my midday meal. Filled and comforted and after about twenty minutes have passed I will return to work. Maybe I was an eastern European in an earlier life.

Often I sit alone with just my journal so I can jot some notes down for transferring later onto this blog. I know this place and I am known in this place. My habits are tolerated here. The coffee shop opened nine years ago and with the exception of a handful of days I have been here each day at some point in my working hours to grab an ice tea. Thus even if I sit alone I am such a fixture that somebody is bound to say hello and want to talk. I go to the coffee shop for peace, comfort and community. Seems to me that it is good to have a place like this in one’s life.

In the old days I would bring in lots of CDs to help provide the soundtrack of the store. But one day the CD player broke and it was replaced by an Ipod. I still give the manager CDs although our tastes have diverged a little bit over the years.
On the particular day in question a song came on. It was an old back hills thing gleaned off the sound track of O Brother Where Art Thou. The film is a top ten favorite. The song is in the top 100 of the gmanitou endless shifting pantheon of favorites. Here is a Youtube link to the song.



My liking of this song is tied to all that I learned when I was growing up. Having spent years in the Baptist church there in my small hometown I was repeatedly taught right and good exist as do evil and wrong. Repeatedly I heard to calls to return to the path of truth and light. I tried so many times to hoe that line but I am a fallen being. There will always remain in me a hope, a visceral belief, that there is a better world awaiting us. My intellect may say otherwise but the core of what I am fueled by, the old rituals and raw emotion learned when I was young still holds on to this hope and a song like this opens up the door to that space.

In my life it is hard for me to emotionally accept the status quo when so much of what I see seems hurtful, vengeful and oft times just petty. At times I wonder if there is something, an anti-developmental gene or behavioral pattern that is working against my best interest, on the issue of acceptance of the world as it is. In thinking on why I mouth off and stir up trouble so often I end up in a confused ball. Running to the cobwebbed corners of my mind I can look at the Buddhist sense of acceptance of pleasure and pain as equal that is it is what it is. If I could go that route I wouldn’t have to struggle with issues of right and wrong really.

On the other hand moving away from faith Darwinian constructs of evolution posit adaptation and change as the key to survival. Maybe my disquiet is the innate drive to successful adaptation and survival. The battle goes on.

Kalamazoo in the meantime

 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sitting in the Holidome portion of the Holiday Inn in Kalamazoo, Michigan I have grabbed a little moment from the stream of time to sit down and write. It is in an odd space I am writing in. Outside of my guest room but not in the main area of the recreational zone is a walkway to a roof patio of a faux building. Below the pool and hot tub are filled with kids from a Church of the Brethren outing come up from Indiana for some skiing at a nearby bunny hill. This table is one of those weird beige things made out of recycled milk bottles and tires. Four tables are located on a platform on top of this place that is designed to look like a house with gingerbread siding. Below the patio platform are the workout and game rooms. One takes solitude where it can be found. Look carefully at the picture above you can see my open journal on the polymer table.

Kalamazoo became a destination for Primus and I because the hockey team was set to be in a tournament. We came through the courtesy of strangers that is we begged rides because Secundus had a competing engagement last night. The reason we remain here is because I don’t drive and it will be a little while before my wife can pick me up. Primus and I can down for the first game last night. Well the team lost and we were one and done. The rest of the team went home.

Over the whole season a couple of issues have plagued the team. These kids have talent but they struggle one game and dominate the next. Time and time again we have played with the best in the league and were competitive and even won. But then the next game we just look lost. What I don’t get is the inconsistency. Sometimes it seems like they just forget they are a team, read there is no passing and no communication on the ice. Sometimes it just seems they can’t shoot. As a parent I feel frustration. My guess is that they feel it even more.

Overall the season has been positive. Primus is playing the best hockey of his life. Somewhere this year he found a role on the team. Saying I appreciate what the coach has done for him is an understatement. Coach C and all the coaches have worked with him taking into consideration his autism spectrum disorder. Even with the challenges they have made him a better hockey player.

Our parents have been a good lot too. I appreciate that. Over the years I have seen some teams where the parents divided into camps and there just was no chemistry whatsoever. We have had rocky moments this year but all in all these people have been a good bunch.

Primus is upstairs right now in the room. Glued to his computer he is playing a variety of games online. For the most part when I watch these games they seem innocuous. While I wish he was reading a book this is his weekend. If this is how he has fun so be it. From my perspective a night in a hotel is a good thing some times. You get to watch your children and get a sense of who they are. Last night we ate at the bar. I don’t drink around my kids, hell, I hardly drink anyway. Like I say it is two beers a month whether I need them or not. Sitting there feet on the rail I was cajoling the bartender to change the channel on the flat screen was fun. My son chuckled when a couple of people tongue in cheek asserted the ice dancing had their attention. While he has ASD he gets situation humor sometimes.

Over the course of the past 6-9 months I have seen some growing awareness on his part of the reality of the world. It is little things like his trying to make a joke about how the team did not play well. Moving to a point where he can make a joke about failure is a pretty awesome step. When I asked him what had happened last night he told, “Our sticks were made of Swiss cheese.” I asked if someone on the team, perhaps one of the coaches has said that. He replied, “Nope Dad, it just seemed that there were holes in our sticks because the puck went right through, I mean nobody could control the puck.” Awareness, not obviousness, he is growing and connecting more with the world I live in.

Secundus is at a debate match. Francie is sorting out the when and how of the tournaments details. Hopefully that is somewhere near wrapping up. I just had to go throw down the ‘I am a top level traveler in this chains affinity program” to get a late check out. When I asked for a 2 o’clock check out the clerk first refused based on the fact of the entire hockey tournament crowd. When I mentioned that my card gave me until 4 p.m. to check out she grumbled “That is a service we offer” and marked my screen for a delayed departure. She was not happy.

The phone call just came. Secundus’s team was currently wrapping up the first round. In our phone call my wife told me Secundus was the closer. Per the call he did well, but there was something in the tone of her voice. I am sure there is more to this. Don’t you just hate it when you can tell there is more to the story but you are not going to get it until you are out of the involved party’s earshot?

Travelling is a good thing from time to time. It can just feel good to be away from home. In the old days there would be the fun of watching TV we didn’t get at home. Now we have a moderate deluxe package and we have a better channel lineup than most hotels. Sometimes in midwinter it was great to have an indoor pool. Now we belong to our local community center and we have access to its indoor pool. I guess what makes the happy difference is the disruption of the routine of daily life.

Routines are dangerous things. Starting simply and as a one off thing they can become habits, they can become the way things are done. There used to be a cappuccino place near here. When Primus was 9 and Secundus 7 we slipped out one night for a coffee and an ice tea. 25 minutes round trip and with 15 of those being spent just resting out of the fray it didn’t take long before this trip became a routine. Hideout, respite, whatever it was our time. At $6 a trip it quickly began to add up. The store folded and we have now resorted to making ice tea at home. Every night after dinner I brew a new pot. It may actually be cheaper but it is a routine. Tea brewing, laundry sorting and washing, dishes, bills it is all a routine and most of it is scheduled. TV at 10 p.m. has become the hour of drama and decompression. Being away staying a bed I did not have to make and I will not have to clean can make all the difference in making a week seem good or not good.

A red carnation sits in a tall thin vase on a white windowsill. Sunlight falls brightly on the red petals. This red is not the red of blood; it is the red of a simple single crinkled flower awash in gold light. The red of this flower, the gold of morning sunlight, and the dust motes that move and circle about in the stream of air there near the window are proof enough for me that this world is not just illusion. Sunlight falling on a flower before Valentine’s Day provides a day’s worth of clarity.

Acoustic Springsteen

Wow this is beautiful.

Asperger's and the Proposed Change of DSM Status

As most of you know I am the parent of a very loving, very unique child. Primus has Asperger’s. We live with this every day in so many ways that we don’t even notice some of the little things. There are no screws on the face plates on many of the light switches in our home because in his particular version of Asperger’s the OCD component compels him to build and disassemble. Hey some kids collect coins you know?

Primus has many other traits that are no different than any other child that are age appropriate and absolutely infuriating. Penis and fart joke stand out as prime examples. However how he approaches life and how others approach him require planning and skill.

In recent years the emergence in popular culture of figures with Asperger’s, figures who are sympathetic has helped greatly. The character of Temperance Brennan on Bones is one example, but there clearly are a number of others. Mainstream magazines have picked up on the condition, at times it feels like the disorder de jour. This special identity distinct of Asperger’s distinct from Autism has actually opened doors for my son in obtaining minor accommodations that have made a major difference in his life. Because his coach had a general awareness of the issues and others around the coach had that general awareness, subtle differences in approach to motivating and coaching Primus have let him play a much more significant role on his sport’s team.

While I can rationally and logically understand the proposal to do away with the diagnosis of Asperger’s merging it with appropriate clinical modifiers into a broader autism rubric, I have concerns about the action. One of the main concerns is the perception and resultant action of administrative educational professionals who are not specifically trained with kids now defined as having Aspergers. (Note well I don’t say suffering, I say having Asperger’s. My son does not suffer a disease with a chronic or acute pathology, he lives with his unique personality constaints.)

My major concern is a lessening of expectations post merger will follow for Asperger’s kids because the educational system by virtue of its one size fits all tendency, something fostered by our current tough economic times, will lump these children in with more profoundly impacted autistic youth. I am afraid these kids will be not held to the high standards of educational achievement they are capable of.

While listening to the story on American Public Media I heard a young woman talking about Asperger’s. The last five minutes highlight my concerns here.

http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_969_Nomi_Kaim_.mp3/mediafile_view

Why I Love to Read Philosophy

I have been reading both a biography of Spinoza and some excerpts from his works. The following is from the Preface to Tractus Theologica-Politicus.

Humans would never be superstitious, if they could govern all their circumstances by set rules, or if they were always favored by fortune: but being frequently driven into situations where rules are useless, and being often kept fluctuating pitiably between hope and fear by the uncertainty of fortune’s greedily coveted favors they are consequently, for the most part, very prone to gullibility. The human mind is readily swayed this way or that in times of doubt, especially when hope and fear are struggling for the mastery, though usually it is boastful, over confident and vain.

Great stuff isn't it. The first sentence just grabs you as a clear statement of so much of what we all observe on a daily basis. I understand this is the first building block in a syllogism where Spinoza argues against both the Jewish and Christian concepts of God and thus is very powerful stuff. But his eye for the human condition is dead on.

It is for these ah-ha moments that I read philosophy. Never let your brain sit in idle.

Coda

On a dark winter’s night sometime in the 1980s, an ice storm came to East Lansing. Crystal trees creaked and power lines fell (but not too many). The wind was slight and so the damage was minimal. Ice storms here are not uncommon. We get one every year it seems. Some years the storm that comes is destructive and some years it is just a nuisance.

On the particular evening I am now holding in my memory the nuisance factor was high. We had concert tickets that night and we decided to brave the elements. My wife and I lived close to campus so getting to a show was not all that difficult. We had purchased tickets to see Oregon a jazz quartet of the highest caliber. We got to the show on time but there was nobody there really. The hall had maybe a hundred people.

Well Ralph Towner the guitarist from the band came out to the edge of the stage at approximately the set starting time and made the following announcement. Due to the ice storm we will be performing just one show tonight. If you came for the early show you can just stay on and we will treat the second show as if it were just a second set. Just sit back and enjoy yourself. We did and it was amazing.

Over the course of the night another 50 people may have straggled in. But the trip was worth it. The music was richly textured and the band was relaxed and at times goofy and fun. Sometimes when the circumstances prevent a normal performance the pressure is off the beauty will emerge. Sometimes a bunch of people who have nothing to prove and who have a lot of time to work with can create magic, Oregon did it that night.

Sometimes I think life should work that way for all of us.

X- The Musical Interlude is Now Over

I am from New Jersey. I have traces of the accent. I definitely have the attitude. Here is one of the first Springsteen songs I ever really liked. I have a tape of part of the old Main Point concert with this on it. I love that version it really rocks. This however is fun and is more in line with the me of now.



And then there is the one I close with. Life is always at best an uncertain proposition. If you are blessed to have a relatively good life you forget the heartache, the sadness the real pain that lives just outside of the picture. No matter how much you try and deny it access it will eventually visit you. How you approach the pain and darkness that comes is important. This song always and I mean always moves me either to tears or to a thick throat feeling. I remember my father with love. We did not get along but I respect him more with each passing year. My hope is that this song at some point in the far distant future will move my children in a similar way.

I am just a human being and I wish I was slightly more adept at caring and acting with compassion.