Seder Ain't So Joe

This is an older story. It comes from spring 2006. The topic is universal, kids and disaster at events meant to be quite meaningful and to some extent solemn. Those two words should never be mixed in human contemplation, kids and solemnity. Never.

Last night was an interesting evening here in Lake Woebegon. Sunday the 19th of March was the annual Lenten Seder meal at the Lutheran Church, Pastor Deutsch presiding. What pray tell you are asking are a bunch of Lutherans doing celebrating a Jewish holy festival meal? Well, despite our complicity in the holocaust, which brings enough guilt to me by association that is has added a patina to the Baptist guilt of being raised there in small town New Jersey and which had been honed to a fine gloss by attending a Jesuit law school, we were trying to get a picture of what the last supper might have been like for the Savior.

I swear to you I don't think it went like this.

This was the first year I attended the meal. In previous years I had opted out but having recently been elected church President, well, it was kind of required. The meal itself was well attended. We probably had 120 people in the church community room last night.

Because I am the church president I had to sit next to the Pastor and his wife at the head table. My wife and children joined me and we played the part of the Pastor's family. As you might expect the meal is very ritualistic with bitter herbs and wine and prayers in Hebrew. There comes a point however when a young child has to ask the father (here played by the Pastor) a series of four questions. They include:

"Why is it that on all other nights during the year we eat either bread or matzoh, but on this night we eat only matzoh?"
"Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of herbs, but on this night we eat only bitter herbs?"
"Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip our herbs even once, but on this night we dip them twice?" and
"Why is it that on all other nights we eat either sitting or reclining, but on this night we eat in a reclining position?"

JL the more religiously observant of my two sons was picked to ask these questions. JL took this to be a great honor. Aren't you always proud when your kid gets the opportunity to do something special, something memorable? It should be noted that the boy was dressed for the occasion with the obligatory white shirt, black trousers and black loafers. He looked sharp. Such sartorial splendor is not easy to accomplish in a ten year old.

A bit of concern was present however. Throughout the day JL had mentioned having some butterflies in his stomach, this occurred mostly in conversations with my wife the patient loving F. Remember F is the nurturing one in this family unit. Figuring JL was simply nervous about the upcoming public speaking engagement F taught him some of the breathing exercises we public speakers use to keep control of our speech. F told me about the situation and her response and we both figure t would be okay.

There we were, one big happy pseudo family celebrating the faux Seder. The first question was posed crisply and the first answer went given. I learned that,

“We eat only matzah because our ancestors could not wait for their breads to rise when they were fleeing slavery in Egypt, and so they took the breads out of their ovens while they were still flat, which was matzah.”

The second question went fine too, but the delivery had slowed a bit. I myself was more concerned with the younger brother and making sure he did nothing to upstage his brother. Stuffing matzah up your nose would not be out of the realm of possibility for L. I was staring him down with that “If you do anything boy” look that fathers perfect early on in the game if they are smart.

By the time the third question my ear began to detect something was definitely starting to go wrong. I discerned a hesitation in JL’s voice that just wasn't natural. As I turned away from Lore I saw JL stone white and swaying back and forth. I think the Pastor tried to reach out to grab the lad’s shoulder so as to prop him up as he swayed back. I think the question went something like, "Why is it that on all other nights we do not dip….urhrummurp!!!!blechhhh woooshurpwretch, wretch braaap."

It was like watching the Exorcist live and in person. The first gush was forcefully projectile in nature but did not reach the first row of tables, but just barely. The second expulsion as the lad’s head was swinging somewhat bobble head like was at a downward angle and got the Pastor's shoes. I didn't stare too closely. The third urpgooosh, well heck I have no clue where that went, but by this time F was up grabbing the boy who was drenched with whatever he had eaten all day and was heading for the washrooms. The kitchen staff was rushing out in the hall with mops and a bucket. 120 faces stared slack jawed at the tableau. To top the whole thing off the stench of whatever my son had for lunch was now mixing with the gentle odor of cooked lamb awaiting service to the diners.

Without missing a beat the Pastor moved to the other end of the table. At that point I thrust the script into eight year old Lore's hand and said, "Boy, you're on deck, get down there and start reading." And he did. Not a beat was missed and the meal proceeded. Eventually the smell of the lamb overcame the stench of dead half digested lunch. (I know some of you are thinking how could you tell the difference? Lamb haters, bah!) In the end all was right with the world. Perhaps this is why they elected me president. It was because they all wanted their own, "Simon Burch".

I caught up with JL and F in the bathroom after Lore finished the readings, as I noted before JL was drenched in puke. Hey, I got to give him an attaboy for being a trooper. He was saying he was feeling better now and was asking F if he could go finish his part. I broke it to him that Lore had done the last two questions because the show in essence had to go on. He was okay with that. F took him home to go to bed and Lore and I were left to finish the meal. For the next hour and a half we couldn't look at each other without giggling.

The Pastor's wife set out an ad hoc get well card for JL. It was a big sheet of construction paper with a pen sitting nearby. In some ways this was the funniest bit of all. JL was very clearly sick; he had a rough night all last night. However, everyone thought it was nerves. I kid you not there were 10 "I was so nervous I barfed when…" stories. My two favorites were from the attorney who admitted to barfing on his first appearance in court and the person who admitted barfing while giving the wedding toast at a cousin's wedding.

Life is good here in Lake Woebegon