Saturday, July 11, 2020

North Dakota 1978



Old and rough looking, his car sat in parking lot. In the middle of nowhere, in the heart of God’s land the rusting behemoth rested a couple of hundred yards from his campsite.  Out here miles from anywhere, the car sat cooling in the moonless night. The old beast’s windows were wet with dew.   On a North Dakota night, very few cars sat here in the lot. Early summer and the camping season was off to a slow start. When you are parked at the National Park in Medora, North Dakota, you are a long way from anywhere and a stone’s throw from eternity.

In the darkness of this night it was hard to see on first glance the car’s caved in left rear door. Injured from a prior owner’s failure to observe and react to changing conditions on the road, the metal was twisted and bent in a concave shape with ragged edges and asymmetrical peaks and valleys.  Fixed by the accident in a permanently closed status, the door’s mangled metal had been shoddily painted over with a ruddy colored rust inhibiting spray paint. What a classic low rent paint job. The large blotch of color looked just like dried blood.

Having started its life as a white four door family sedan with a huge old V-8, the car had taken one too many wrong turns.  Instead of being a comforting vessel to carry a nuclear family to church on Sunday, to carry that same four-person unit out for a Friday night all you could eat buffet and to transport Dad to work Monday through Friday, the big hulking sedan had become a vehicle that epitomized the crazed moments that were passing in America. Everyone it seemed was on the road. Young men and women were out to find themselves and America.

In the daylight the car’s true craziness was clearly evident to even a casual observer. Down the right side, across the front fender, the two doors and the rear fender, almost from headlight to taillight written in black spray paint was the phrase, “Into the Unknown”. Across the behemoth’s trunk were so many bumper stickers. The quilt of crazy colored messages made it hard for those following the car not to be distracted. 

One sticker was green and white and said Equal Pay for Equal Work. Another was a skull wearing a rose garland, the telltale sign of a cult affirmation, the occupants were clearly Deadheads. A third had a diving flag and the question Gone Down Lately? Tucked into the crazy quilt of political and music stickers was the one that was sure to get the vehicle stopped, again and again, I Brake for Hallucinations.

As he stood outside the little two-person tent the vehicle’s owner sucked on a Marlboro.  The night was growing cold as nights are wont to do out here on the great plains even in summer. Time now was pushing on 10 PM. Darkness ruled in every direction.  The warmth of the smoke and the calming effect of the nicotine were comforting. He snugged up his old field jacket as he crushed the glowing ember of his spent butt beneath his shoe.

Most people, just like the driver, had cooked their meals hours ago.  Hot dogs and canned baked beans had been cooked on his Coleman white gas stove. A simple meal, it was good enough for this night. All the pans and tin dishes together with the silverware had been washed at the communal campground pump and then stashed back in the car. Belly full, sleep would soon follow.

Silent and still the night wrapped itself around the young man as tight as any quilt he had every clutched on a cold winter’s eve.  He could not see very well his camp fire having long gone out. Shuffling carefully over to the picnic table set there on the campsite, he poured his self some water from the old aluminum water jug. The jug was an ancient relic but it was free.  Thus, he was using it on this spur of the moment trip across the north country. His shin having found the table the young man turned and sat on its bench. He threw his head back and looked up.

And then he looked up. He looked up expecting darkness. He looked up and saw so much more than he ever expected. He looked up and he realized how lost he was.

The lid of the water jug was quietly set upon the table. He closed his eyes and blinked several times.  Then he worked to focus his eyes. Still, he could not comprehend what he was seeing.  Spread out across the sky for horizon to horizon were thousands, millions, billions maybe of stars. Dim and bright, pulsing and fixed in intensity, the stars he saw were arrayed in steams of light. Weaving twinkling patterns spread out in so many directions.  

The depth of the star field on this black moonless night filled his senses. When was a kid he used to look at star charts, but when he went outside at night his sky was never so densely populated and those charts illustrated.  But this, well the mass of stars lighting up his field of vision tonight was denser and more expansive that any color plate those magazines and encyclopedias ever showed. 

With a slowing in his breathing, he sat as still has he possible could. With his irises as wide as they could be, he drank it all in.  No, despite those preteen forays into astronomical readings, he could not name the constellations.  Neither could he name specific stars save the north star, Polaris. What he could do now was let the light of a universe wash over him.  What he could do now was experience night on the great plains as people a hundred or a thousand years before had.  What he could do now was be humbled by the night sky he had never had the chance to look up and see before.

He sat there for almost an hour barely moving, barely breathing.  Finally filled with the wonder of the night he crawled off and into his sleeping bag.  He would never again have that total and complete sense of wonder at the night. This moment on this road trip would be a touchpoint of his life.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

July has Come


1 July 2020

The month has turned.  The weather is warm and dry. There is a breeze.

In order to type this up I had to clean off the table where I am sitting.  The table is a tile and metal combination with an umbrella out the center.  When I tried to move my mouse, it seemed that what I thought was marbling on the tile was actually dust turned to goo from the winter. My mouse struggled.  I took this as a sign to get out a shop cloth and some soapy water and address the grimy goo on the table’s surface.  A couple of hard swirls with the cloth and a bright shining surface reappeared. With the temperature near ninety, the table dried very quickly.

Lots of stuff is happening in the world.  Most of the world seems to have come to a detente with the pandemic. Europe is reopening for tourists.  Cities there are struggling the most. But this is true throughout the world.  Still, EU governments seem to have handled the majority of problems with strict diligence.  In America we have not done so well.  Experts are saying we in the US are reaching a tipping point where the virus will be uncontrollable. It is clear some feel this is what should happen, the whole herd immunity thing. However, given my age and health I am not on board with this.

I will not delve into the political issues that are roiling right now like who knew the Russians had a bounty on the lives of US soldiers in Afghanistan.  Another day perhaps.  Every day will have its breath-taking political issues. I don’t want to deal with that today. 

I subscribe to several library services online.  Hoopla is a favorite.  I have tried to read fiction a couple of times recently but for some reason with one or two exceptions I haven’t been able to stick with the books.  Yesterday I downloaded Will Durant’s Caesar and Christ.  I know it is an ancient tome having been written in 1942 but Mr. Durant has a way with words.  I have listened to two out of thirty-two hours so far.  God, my days in Latin I, II and III have come rushing back to me.  There are also little bon mots about what made the republic last for so many centuries that would apply to the disfunction of our political life today.  The uncoupling of the individual from the need to promote the common good mashed up with the unbridled avarice of those long in power seem so on point.

A glass of iced tea, a portable computer and a space comfortable and quiet save for the many, many birds singing both near and far offer me a perfect place to write.  While my hope is that Americans will come to their senses and realize addressing the virus is a marathon, not a sprint, I am not counting on it.  People believe in individual liberty, but they don’t want to bear the burden of social responsibility.  All freedom and no burden is a ugly look on a citizen.  Still, as long as I have this little space to work from, I will be free from isolation.  As long as the sun is shining, (okay as long as it is not raining or snowing, this is Michigan) I will be able to find a reason to smile. 


Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Very Bad



30 June 2020

From the Washington Post, “Anthony S. Fauci issued a dire warning at a Senate hearing Tuesday about the rate of the coronavirus pandemic’s spread amid a spike in new cases, noting that new cases may reach 100,000 per day if the United States continues on its current trajectory.”  From CNBC, “The coronavirus is spreading too rapidly and too broadly for the U.S. to bring it under control, Dr. Anne Schuchat, principal deputy director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said Monday.”

I have been living in isolation, virtual house arrest since mid-March.  I am antsy to be doing things.  The one thing I miss the most is sitting in an air-conditioned theater watching a two-hour drama.  But I also miss coffee shops and lunch out. But I have listened to, and will continue to listen to, the experts who have said stay home, wear a mask, social distance.  I have not listened to politicians like Rand Paul (could he be more of a flat earther?) who has opined, “We shouldn’t presume that a group of experts somehow knows what’s best for everyone.” 

We have come to the point where we must decide our own paths, I guess.  Do we follow the doctors’ advice and opinions?  Or, do we follow the opinions and feelings of people who at best are social Darwinists, but who are more likely just egotistical blow hard talking heads, who are only in this for their personal gain? I have made my choice.  I am sticking with science.  But I don’t know if I am in the majority on this or even a plurality. 

The situation is grave, and will most likely get grimmer. My prayers for you all.


Sunday, June 28, 2020


28 June 2020

Be Thankful for it All

Around the 15th of July our household will hit the point of four months isolated.  We have had a couple of socially distanced, social interactions but for the most part we are isolated totally, completely.  Depending on the moment it is either easy or very hard to be alone here in the Spaceship Todd.

We have settled into a very predictable set routine.  The centering points of our activities are the meals my wife has been preparing.  A great deal of love has been involved in the baking and grilling and planning. With nowhere to go really, smoking a chunk of meat for 8 hours is a whole lot more doable than it used to be.

Now there is time for mowing and weeding and cleaning and sorting and all the other tasks that were not appropriate when work demanded so much from us. Now there is even time to listen to new music, or at least music that is new to me.  Truly I have been down various rabbit holes of song. All those things that were just a few minutes too long to be worked into my schedule are now penciled in.

The one thing I have not been doing that at the start of the pandemic isolation I thought would become a matter of course, is reading novels.  I read a great deal.  I read newspaper articles.  I read magazine articles.  I read essays.  There was a David Foster Wallace story of a high dive experience merged with becoming an adolescent that was a great read. But novels have not been holding my attention. A friend suggested one author, an Irish writer, and I did follow up on that.  The novel was odd but well worth the read.

During my time within these four walls, I have been working very hard on keeping my level of blasphemy and profanity to a minimum when I am reading the news. During this period of isolation, it has not been an easy task. So many dunderheaded moves by so many folks that seem to be trying out for Luddite the Movement.

Oh well that is it for this Sunday.

Thursday, May 28, 2020

The Ride of a Broken Heart



Red poppies and purple phlox, this weary world is awash in late spring color. Today these colors are muted. No sun this afternoon, it has hidden itself away today. Soft grey clouds provide the normally angry red orb some needed cover. Hidden or not, the old sol’s heat is clearly still reaching this world.   The temperature is quite warm for late spring. A rain threatens, but probably it will not come. Whether you call it sweat or perspiration, just a few paces outside in the warm humid air will bring moisture to your skin. Nora has always loved this weather. She was one of those who sleep nude with just a sheet over her. She comes alive with the spring. Chris on the other hand does not. He wanted a comforter over him year-round.  

Currently Chris and Nora stand on a worn sidewalk. This sidewalk is a winding snake of discolored rectangles crumbling at the corners. This particular path continues for a quarter mile until a weed choked lot swallows the route.  Behind the couple is a barn shaped house with a big bay window. A casual glance shows the premises to be quite dark inside even now in midafternoon. As the awkward couple continue to stand there her hand in his, the air conditioner kicks on.  With the place so dark and with the air conditioner cranking, the house will be as chill as one might ever need it to be.

With a face totally empty of emotion Nora looks at Chris. She wonders why they are still here; she wonders why are they holding hands?  To Nora’s mind Chris needs to be gone now. Her mind is nothing short of troubled.  Two years ago, she had enough energy inside her to say might as well when she met the glib talking, big smiled Chris at Sara’s party.  But what the fuck and why not fade. Time has a way of wearing down giddy unrealistic possibilities and of highlighting the harsh compromises one has been forced to make to keep a relationship alive. Knowing someone has a problem keeping his dick in his pants accelerates the reality awareness process. Nora waits for Chris to start talking his shit.  If he speaks there will be is no novelty to what he will say. Surprisingly the trite words she is expecting to fall from his mouth do not come.

Chris shakes the hair out of his eyes and looks at Nora. Standing there on the walk outside her home he is seeing her through eyes as clear as he ever has had since he was eighteen.  By all accounts any connection between the two of them should have been completely and totally over six months ago when Nora found out about Kelli.  Chris’s first lesson learned here? Don’t give out you Gmail password to your girlfriend for any reason. Girlfriends are crafty and they will snoop through and scour your e-mail. Nora had quickly pulled away from the relationship after she figured out his betrayal. Nothing Chris did seemed to salve her hurt.  As he left Nora his parting words were, “Call me when you can.  I am so sorry.  Tell me what to do.  We can figure it out.” As the old song said, “If the phone don’t ring, it’s her.”

Was she only another woman Chris could simply abuse?  Was he ever in love with her, whatever the fuck love meant to him?  Was she just a new and novel bit of flesh for him? These and fifteen other thoughts ran through Nora’s mind as she looked at Chris.  Nora remembered Chris with drooping shoulders and hands at his side claiming he was sorry when she confronted him about the e-mails. Nora ran through it and Chris’s appeals seemed too practiced, too pat. She had to go and she did. 

Why the hell hadn’t she just batted his hand away when he offered it to her as he opened her car door? Now it was just awkward, too damned awkward.  “God I am hoping he doesn’t think this means anything,” was running repeatedly through her mind. This thought, in that quick time that exists only in your brain, was instantly becoming Nora’s mantra. But pulling away right now might trigger something worse, like tears and blubbering. The last go around had just been so totally emotionally wrenching.

Chris hadn’t dated, and more importantly, he hadn’t slept with anyone since they had parted.  Kelli was done before Nora had surveilled his e-mail. More importantly, he hadn’t had a drink in three months.  Drinking and weed made Chris stupid, real stupid, fucking Kelli stupid. Since Nora and Chris had separated, Chris had at most three beers.  And those were within a month of the breakup. Within a week of Nora’s throwing the last of Chris’s clothes out on the porch, he had set his one hitter aside.  Chris hadn’t been sober for this long in a decade. As his mind cleared from the long-term use of intoxicants, he realized that in the breakup with Nora he had lost something special, maybe real love. 

Chris tried to call Nora a couple of times in the last six months but the conversations in the few she answered died quickly. She hung up on all of them without a good-bye.  Nora never did call Chris, save the one she placed last week. Chris knew he must have hurt her really bad. Must have left her adrift in an ocean of broken dreams.

Right now, there on the sidewalk Nora wondered again why she had called Chris for a ride.  She had been spending time in Europe watching the waves in a rustic seaside village for about three weeks.  Nora had accepted an offer for free room from an old college friend who had an Air B&B right by the Atlantic. The bargain was Nora would have to buy the alcohol and one good meal a week in exchange for a space to be temporary free spirit in a foreign land. Drinking house wines and eating seafood on stone patios, Nora’s evenings would end with star gazing.  From time to time as she sat out on the sand she would think of Chris.  Fuck, she didn’t want to, she just did. 

When the holiday ended, Nora flew back alone.  Although she had tried before she left with numerous phone calls, and tried while on holiday using e-mails and texts, she could not come up with someone to drive the two hours to the airport to get her. Her housemate for a small fee was able to take her to the airport. Chris would, if she really needed it, pick her up.  She knew was a sure thing, as sure as any natural phenomena like sunrises or sunsets. Chris was Nora’s last, last, last ditch fallback. Nora knew in her heart Chris would even take time off if he was working. In the end she made her distasteful request and Chris accepted.

When Chris got Nora’s call for a ride he immediately said yes.  Chris knew that Inside over the six months since the breakup he had become a little more resigned to what they had being over. Chris thought he could handle a giving Nora a ride as a friend.

Chris had suspected the ride from the airport would be awkward.  His intuition was right.  Nora was jet lagged, a regular transcontinental burnt-out rolling stone. The grind of seventeen hours either in the air, or waiting bored as hell in two different airports, had sapped her humanity. To ensure the ride didn’t back to Nora’s place get too weird Chris did not turn on any of “their” playlists. He tried to ask about the trip but Nora was really too tired.  He got three-word answers wrapped in sentences that then faded to silence. Chris knew from experience when she was tired, Nora would get short and cross. He quit talking. She nodded off once the car’s cabin was silent. For most of the ride she slept head against the passenger window softly snoring.

Nora awoke with a start as Chris leaned in her door offering his hand to help her exit the vehicle.  She could see he had popped the hatch and had taken her carry on and under seat bags up to the house. Nora was still out of it when she took Chris’s hand to exit the vehicle. His hand did help her get out, but then he kept holding her hand as they stood beside the car on the sidewalk. Seconds passed by and she had already stuttered out her thank you and still he was holding her hand. 

Cheating on Nora had been the biggest mistake of Chris’s life.  In other relationships Chris just sucked it up when he was caught straying and moved on.  Each relationship had its different levels of comfort, and the emotional costs of going varied. But even when Chris was the person dumped, on those rare occasions when he had done nothing wrong, he had never doubted another relationship was waiting not too far down the line. He sucked it up and moved on.  But this was different. 

Kelli was a dead end and a mistake.  Chris didn’t know why his relationship with Nora really mattered to him, but it did.  His feelings for Nora were visceral. As he held Nora’s hand as she exited the vehicle, he tried to convey his most sincere apology and his most wounded and injured self ever without words.  His pain was in his eyes. His loss was visible in how he held his body. He stilled his tongue showing total contrition.  Chris was as broken and begging of forgiveness in his looks as a medieval priest whipped and lying before a cross in an old mountain monastery.

Nora sensed these things.  She also sensed when Chris’s hand seemed to lose its tension.  With his grasp weakening Nora pulled her hand away and she thanked him again. She would not give him a good bye kiss.  She would not promise a call in the future.  She put the key in her door and waved him a short waist kind of flapping hand thank you and go away gesture. Nora looked at Chris just a second too long as she entered her house and they both felt it.  Nora clearly saw the pain and she felt the broken pride-less spirit in Chris’s demeanor.  But would it last?  But did his now open, wounded and raw heart balance the scales between what he had done to her and what it seemed to be costing him?  Nora pushed her luggage to the side and sat on the couch.  Quickly, very quickly in that cool, cool living room she fell into a deep, deep sleep. 


Saturday, May 16, 2020

Prayer or Meditation

Sometimes I wish I had an ancient stone chapel somewhere near my house. This small prayer chapel would have a well-worn threshold made of granite with grooves worn in it from passionate penitent pilgrims’ knees. The ceiling would be dark with the soot of a thousand years of candles and oil lamps.  The air inside with be cool and protected from the heat of day by the stone edifice surrounding it.  The acoustics would be crisp and ringing so that a Gregorian chant would fill the hall with a rich full sound of Latin words sung acapella. 

This is just a dream for you don’t need a place like this to be close to the divine.  You simply have to have a silent moment when you heart can be heard.  You need a silent moment when you can hear the small still voice of the holy, when you can experience the precious flash of song or light, or where a calming moment of inspiration can fill your empty mind. Still, sometimes a holy space like an ancient chapel will provide you an opening in the veil that you would not find otherwise.

In many senses the hour of golden light combined with the music of Stile Antico’s Music for Compline is my stone chapel.  On an evening of a once humid day now filled will cooling air, the sound of these voices as I sit on an old dining room chair at an old dining room table now cast out upon the back porch, the holy is within my grasp. I guess in the end, there is my prayer chapel.

I offer the translation of the piece offered below:

If I give slumber to my eyes
and to my eyelids drowsiness,
I shall sleep and rest.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.


There is a very esoteric and mystical reading on this text that can be found here. https://saintpaulsanglicancatholic.net/the-psalms

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Before Time Controlled Me *



Before Time Controlled Me *

At evening
In the passing of a clear day
With sunlight, now sunset, now twilight fading
The birds provide one last chorus to their long song
A song hardwired over millennia and more
Twee, twee, twee.

The old table made of oak with varnish fading
Set out upon a dispirited porch 
Offers up a fine place to watch the gold and the reds
Of day’s end sky
A leather jacket feels comforting
A coffee is soothing.

A scent of a fire lingers on eastbound air
Someone is sitting on this nearly still night
Perhaps circled with those well-loved, loved well
Around flames and warmth
Facing west with collars upturned
They release the day to the care of others westward.

Inhaling the faint fragrance of smoke
I rock back in my chair
My mind is blank
As the scented air flows in through my nose
And out over my lips
I am free in this moment from all cares.