For Saint Valentine

02/14/19

Everything but the Girl is singing Elvis Costello’s Allison. Nicely done by the duo I would say. For today the only issue I have with the song is that a soft mellow acoustic mix doesn’t drown out the machine grinding out frozen drinks the baristas make. Who the fuck needs a glorified caffeinated milkshake on a 17F day? And the band sings, “I think somebody should put out the big light, because I can’t stand to see you this way…”.

This past weekend I was useless.  I tended a fire, I drank decaf espressos, and I read a novel. The main character of the novel I read supposedly had a first edition hardcover of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five. This bit of the novel comes up in my mind now because the coffee shop’s playlist has moved on.  The possession of this old tome comes up in my mind now because the good old Grateful Dead are singing Uncle John’s Band.

Why you wonder, does hearing Uncle John’s Band remind of a mention of Kurt Vonnegut’s masterpiece in a novel about a purportedly alien child? Well, the Grateful Dead’s music publishing company was Ice Nine. Ice Nine was fictional ice that froze at a temperature higher than 32F.  Ice Nine was a concept in another Vonnegut novel, Cat’s Cradle. Vonnegut was the prophet of the day back then. His tales of Kilgore Trout and Billy Pilgrim and all the other folks he created were part of our sacred texts.

So far distant is that moment from now. Back then we were a country in full; we were making Thunderbirds.  We were powerful and confident. Now, we as a nation, are curling up in a fetal ball afraid of all that is around us and afraid to move forward. We stand still, we stagnate, we just can’t figure out what we want or how to get there. America is close to a clinical diagnosis of being a bipolar nation. I miss the old days and I sure as hell hope we get up off the floor and at least move forward.

(The Playlist Moves Into Songs of the Heart).

“Oh, if I’d only known what your heart cost…”, the mix is onto this new song, a Jackson Browne tune This music leaves me melancholy every time I hear it. To all the women I have been involved with, I don’t think I ever truly knew what yourheart cost. Nights spent listening to Stevie Nicks singing Landslide as we drank wine and knarfed on Triscuits and cheddar cheese, well, all I thought about was me and what I wanted from you. Back then I don’t think I ever broke through the barrier of my own self-interest. All I cared about was my satisfaction.

Now the time is short, and I realize how much I lost out on in those moments when the phrase I, me, mine was my mantra. When your heart is open you grow. There is a dynamic that occurs when you share a meaningful space with another heart. This moment, this zone is fertile and nurturing. This life may all be illusion but being open to loving kindness opens us up to growth. On every platform where I stood waiting for the next train with you, if my heart had been open, I might have captured part of your bright spinning spirit.

Can you hear me tonight as this train rumbles on to its downtown destinations? If I had listened, I would have known your heart’s secrets. If I had been open, I would have felt the full reality of your love. I am left with the question of what will I gain in these moments as the game clock runs out as I approach the human heart with a new sense of openness?

May my heart be as open and direct as it can be from here until the end. May the actions I take be filled with compassion and mercy and love. May the words I speak be carefully weighted to tell the truth without causing pain. Let me be the one imbued with a sense of greater understanding. Let me be a being so aware and intertwined with the threads of life that my passing will be marked with warm memories.

Understand my actions to date have always been my own. I take the blame for these things I have done. For so long I have lived with so many moments of regret things I never internalized and responded to. It is so hard to grown. It is so hard to be a gentle soul.

The song I am listening to is bringing tears to my eyes. These lyrics always remind of one person to who I did so much damage. I just didn’t get what she needed or how delicate a situation she was in.

Oh well I must stop now. My heart has passed through a intense space in these last few minutes. I have gone from rambling in my keyboarding to placing my emotions inside a Waring blender. 20 minutes that is all it took. I never knew what love was, not then. I knew what desire was. I knew what lust was. I didn’t know what I needed to offer to make love grow. I didn’t know what I had to commit to achieve real love.

The things I could have retrieved from so many hearts had I just been open.The growth I could have had if I had committed to a real passion. I wonder how the “loves” I have had would sketch out the shape of my heart? Would they create a pencil drawing of a piece of trash shaped like the St. Valentine’s Day heart, the image on cards and candy boxes? Or maybe the image would be of a tiny piece of granite. God, I hope the memories they hold are better that the ones I perceive I deserve.

All the rest of my days I will try to walk with awareness. All the rest of my path, I will try to step lightly. My search has been reoriented. No matter how many roads I walk I will try to be open. The light is falling, and I must go now.

In a white world I walk out renewed by placing words on paper.

In a white world of ice and snow I have found a path to warmth.

In a white world I see the path to purification.

When I look around me

I can see

What it is that I must do, as these days are turning into night.

A soft acoustic guitar plays a gentle rhyme 

It is a moment of this elusive thing called time 

But I will find openness for the hearts that approach me going forward.

Take a breath

Even cold air feels alright.