Better Off Without a Wife

My good friend Bill C. posted a link to the song Putnam County from Tom Waits’ Nighthwaks at the Diner on his Facebook page. Hearing that music when I clicked on the link took me back quite a few years. Nighthawks was one of the first LPs I bought when I got to university in 1974. It was beat poetry mixed with stand up comedy and an intense word play that just fascinated me. I listened those two discs so many times the needle wore through the grooves and turned ‘em into Slinkys.

Nighthawks would play an important role in my stage career as limited as it has been. When I was at university we had an annual dorm talent show. One year a song on this LP ended up being the basis for my performance. With Tom Waits leading the way how can you go wrong?
The trail to the actual performance I gave was very very twisted and tortured. My final act morphed from a couple of different ideas. The initial idea and the one I still think reflected the zeitgeist of the time was sort of a street ensemble/chorus. The rough plan involved a group of untalented men standing around on the stage beating trash cans chanting Anglo-Saxon profanity for several minutes.
After I hatched this idea word spread through the dorm like wildfire. Everyone was talking about whether we would really go through with it. The thought of 10 guys pounding university owned metal garbage cans and chanting just raw profanity actually happening so unnerved the head of the dorm Mr. Cadieux so much came to me personally to appeal that I not front this ensemble. "Parents will be here don't you understand!!!"
Me left to my own moral compass, well I would've gone through with the trashcan banging except the rest of my group wussied out. My idea had been to perform in the manner of David Peel and the Lower East Side. Look him up on YouTube. His big hit was "The Pope Smokes Dope."
Left with time on the bill and a piano player who had stuck with me I decided that I had to do something. About two hours before the show I went back to my room and memorized the introductory rap to "All My Friends Are Married." It is otherwise known as "Better Off Without A Wife." This Tom Waits classic has the immortal line, “I know a woman who's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
When the time came to perform I got up onstage and the piano player commenced. Joel had a way cool jazz style that I could work with. I had my best Tom Waits driving cap on. One of the original group decided he wanted back in. Baaaad (Pronounced like the sheep noise but which for legal reasons I can't explain the genesis of here) Larry sat on the back of the makeshift stage with his garbage can and big piece of wood. He'd be repeatedly banging on the garbage can in a meter that was determined by his direct personal connection to the cosmic rhythms. As Joel the piano player worked through the song I did the whole thing the rap (Trying to snarl + growl as much as Tom Waits would aided and abetted in this by my good friend Jack...Daniels) and the whole warm wonderful ballad.
As I was finishing the last verse I heard the audience explode into laughter. I looked over my shoulder to see Bad Larry falling off the stage tearing down the curtain (a couple of dorm bed sheets) and landing on an unsuspecting onlooker behind the stage. Is the place erupted in pandemonium I segued into the last chorus began taking off my clothing. Off went my shirt and T-shirt which are promptly thrown into the audience. My shoes and socks went next. Finally I took my jeans swung them around my head and let them go. Note to self when you're throwing off your clothes into an audience make sure that you take your wallet out of your pants. As I ran off the stage singing I'm better off without a wife all that I had left on was a red Speedo. I know even then it wasn't a pretty sight.

I am not sure whether the head of the dorm thought this was any better than the originally planned performance. We never spoke of it.

My pants were eventually returned to me by Don Gonyea. Bad Larry decided he needed some air so he went for a drive. Bad Larry got arrest from drunk driving and spent the night in jail. Me I was okay.

I guess this is just a way of saying I've always had a soft spot in my heart for that LP.