Fire, Cold and Regret

10 December 2019

A Cold Tuesday, A Clear Evening, A Warm Fire, and a Reflective Heart.

Didn’t expect snow this morning.  Didn’t expect winter to turn it on full blast.  Didn’t think I would be making a fire in the wood stove tonight.

Went for a walk last night about 10 pm, collar turned up because the wind was really kicking up.  Been here on the border with Canada long enough to know that high winds mean change.  It was 40 Fahrenheit when I went out.  Snow was atop the car this morning. 21 Fahrenheit as I write this. What came was light snow, but it was snow none the less.  Grumbling won’t change anything, but just because I accept that snow will fall, does not mean that I must find joy in it.

Change is everywhere today.  Brown trees and brown earth are now sugary powder white.  Light jackets are no longer an option.  I broke out the ¾ length leather as I headed out. Felt good to wear that substantial shell. December is a good moment to transition to leather coats.

December is also the summing up month of the year.  The twelfth month demands accounts be put into order.  To recognize gains or losses you need to act now.  If you have not maxed out your 401K it is the time.  

But this month, whose name means the tenth month but which is actually the twelfth month, is also 40 days plus past harvest.  On these cold night you check the larder and see if you are prepared for what harsh realities are going to be unleashed upon us after the Christmas holidays.  At Christmas we are extravagant, but come January we are deep in the thick of the cold and the isolation.  We reach for that homemade raspberry preserve to remember what life was like when you could walk anywhere in short sleeves.

As we get ready to send out gifts and cards, especially at my age and later, you start to notice the people who are still in you contacts that are gone.You look at some of the names and you simply note the absence.  You look at some of the names and you think of the pain of loss.  You look at some of the names and you are touched, sometimes quite deeply, with regret. December, the first bit is a time of joy.  December, the latter bit is oft a time of regret.

A quick use of a search engine brought this up as a definition of regret. 

Verb: [F]eel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

Noun: [A] feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

Again back to the search engine and I ask it, kind of like asking the magic eight ball we I was a kid, ‘what are peoples’ greatest regrets?’  What was the answer?  Well, in an October 2018 magazine article these were the top five:

·       I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

·       I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

·       I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

·       I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

·       I wish that I had let myself be happier.

A second article adds a couple of more that merit inclusion:

·       I wish I had been more loving to the people who matter the most.

·       I wish I had been a better spouse, parent, or child.

·       I wish I’d have done more for others.

When I read these bullet points I can say clearly and unequivocally that 7 ½ of them ring TrueType me personally.  One is kind of a trick question.  On the I wish I hadn’t worked so hard, in later life I think it is true.  In my earlier life I think the exact opposite is true.  In my teens and twenties I wish I had worked harder. A little extra effort might have changed the tangent of my life.

Seems striking to me that the first set of five regrets are more egocentric, and the second set of three are more altruistic.  I didn’t really check which magazines these were drawn from but I am sure each has a focus that tracks with the answers given.  I think that in truth the two groups both are present in most of us.

I might have added one bullet point but it is kind of weaved in and out of the things that are there.  Still, I wish I had been more reliable, more trustworthy.  Some friends would still be in my life if this was the case.

Some of these things are subject to amelioration, there are some amends that can be made.  Some of these things cannot be repaired.  In the Christian faith, it is often taught that if God can forgive us we should be able to forgive ourselves.  In the Buddhist mind, we are taught non attachment and acceptance of the moment as it is.  Both take us to roughly the same space. Things and acts we regret are not washed away but neither are they to be an anchor paralyzing us, weighing us down.  

I think that for each regret cited most of us can make choices that will lessen the regret.  The month of summing up, well when infused with the joy of the holidays as a catalyst, is a time when we can make some real progress to alleviating our regrets.  December is also a time when  think that some regrets if not subject to fixing, just need to be put in a mental box and shoved in the back of our minds.

The cat sleeps near the fire tonight.  The wood crackles and orange light dances through the glass doors of the wood stove.  Cold as it might be tonight this is a wonderful moment.  Right now I can think of how I can move forward in life with more joy and less regret.