Be Careful Who You Pretend to Be.

Last night I watched a movie. Normal pastime really. The film was about a man who tried to become the “perfect man” for a woman he had met in a coffee shop and wanted to woo. Stealth was involved. By reading her Facebook info as to favorite books, movies, activities and the like the male lead tried to craft a set of skills that mirrored almost perfectly the love interest’s areas of fascination. Sam Rockwell had a great small part in the movie. He was a guitar teacher for the male “love” interest. When the protagonist approached Rockwell’s character for guitar lessons the question so that he could cover Joan Baez songs Rockwell asked. “Why are you doing this man? Is it for money, pussy or fame? It has to be one of those three things.” The lead squirmed and eventually mentioned it was to impress a woman. Rockwell shouted, “Pussy, I knew it man. You are doing it for pussy”

Funny and understated the movie had two or three parts that I squirmed at. But it kind of reminded me that Facebook has brought nothing new to what we try to do in seeking relational engagement. Back in the days before the interwebs and Facebook you would do the same stuff by human networking. What you would do is ask somebody who knew somebody who knew the girl in question to find out what music she liked and what her favorite drink was. You would then pick up some LPs of the relevant artists and listen to them a few times. You wanted to know the tunes well enough to be a non-neophyte. You might search the rock rags like Rolling Stone or Crawdaddy to pick up nuggets about the performer. You would lay in some of the preferred alcohol.

You might do some observational recon also. Who did she hang out with? What did she and her friends do on the weekends? Movies, skiing, travelling home for the weekend. Did she wear sweatpants? Did she wear hiking gear? You looked and looked again to see what clues might be there. It wasn’t done with the ease that Facebook now lets people construct an understanding of their object of desire but it was done with the same intent and with just good old fashioned deductive and inductive reasoning. But just as Facebook can convey a false image communicating only what a person wants to be and not who they are the artifacts present back then could be misleading. An aunt could have given her the hiking shoes and she just wore them because that is what she had. Some schulb might have given her the Hall and Oats records, but what she really liked was AC/DC and shots of Southern Comfort were tastier to her than all the white wine in the world.

I understood the pain of the movie’s main character wanting to be someone that was desired. If you even stood on the side of the line between attractive and average that has a v as its second letter you get it too. We try to remake ourselves to move us up that one notch toward a better calling card of attractive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH TWEAKING YOUR PERSONA. There is, as the hero of the story learned, something wrong in trying to recreate yourself into an image that someone else might love that contains nothing of the real you.

I have heard psychologists talk about the underlying theme. I have read noted authors ruminate about it. Be careful who you pretend to be for that is who you become. Kurt Vonnegut in Mother Night drove that home with emphasis. Hell I believe the Christian Bible contains the admonition to know yourself. It seems almost intuitive to me in my old age that there is an acceptable continuum of behavior that polishes up your images or adds a few flourishes so as to make you marketable to a romantic partner. The continuum goes from playing the game to creepy and delusional.

My wife and several ex-girlfriends used to give me endless shit about the boxes of my life. They would get pissed off because if I was around one group of friends I would behave one way and when I was around another I would be completely different. Yes I knew some campus crusaders and when I was around them I was respectful. I didn’t say shit or fuck. But that is not in my opinion being devious as much as it is respectful. The fact that I didn’t emphasize my fornicating, weed smoking and profanity laden side was a choice, and not in my mind an act of deception.

I must admit that as the years have gone on I have grown less cautious in this regard. I am respectful and will ask if whoever it is I am with whether they are a person of faith. If they are I tell them outright I will curb my language and will stay away from the sacred and also the profane as conversational topics. Maybe it is because I am not in the hunt for sexual gratification. Perhaps it is that I am just more comfortable in my own skin. So it goes.