This shot is from last night. Looking west as I was leaving the child psychologist’s office the light filled me for just a moment. Fumbling about I grabbed my camera and I captured the light’s last transit marking day’s end.
Bathed in blue and gold light was a larger end. Some of my hope died last night.
Right now, for the time being at least, I have to walk away from trying to push my youngest son forward. He will only be who and what he wants to be.
Before we went to the psychologist I had made the decision to end the sessions. The most important thing that we working on, but by just the tiniest of margins, was diverting my son from slipping into overwhelming depression. Right now, for this moment, that seems stable.
The other issue was trying to instill some personal accountability into his life. I have tried to give him a framework to understand the value of this by talking about why it matters to have some integrity. I have tried to talk to him about what success means and the need for both skill and for production of effort. But I am old and my ways are not in fashion. In trying to inculcate a strong work effort in him but all I have gotten are bold faced lies and passive resistance. In trying to help him clean up his screw ups I have used all my chits. I am done. He sinks or swims on his own. I spoke this out loud.
Surprisingly the psychologist agreed with me. As I understood the parting conversation it is to no productive end to keep doing the same thing over and over again with the same negative result. He laughed as he said while not clinical insanity it was a popular maxim. I hear it every day from my A.A. acquaintances.
There is so much in my world right at this very instance that can go sideways, or which has gone sideways or may tank totally right now. At this juncture I can only seek access to the divine. I hope for but don’t count on equanimity. I ask for acceptance, or peace, or God’s peace if you would. The light through the tree in the cold April air was a keyhole to that state.
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