And Then You Turn and the Hallway Behind You is Quite Long

Reflection comes when you least seem inclined to do it. For me it comes when a space opens between one moment of rushing necessity and another moment of long ritualized routine. Something usually acts as a catalyst. The inward gaze is a fire that can be fanned by a comment about what you were back when made over coffee by a friend not seen for many years. The inward voice says “What I was back then, aren’t I still that day? What happened?”
Deliberate retrospective reflection can be tricky. I for one do not want to find a mass of negatives that outweigh all the positives I have done, I believe do and I hope I embody. Really does anyone want to go to that place? Nobody wants to realize their Hitler or Pol Pot. Still, we don’t want to find out either that we are simply a nobody, a person without a center, or a person without values who will not be missed because we stood for nothing.
It isn’t the not being missed part that worries me. In 80 years unless you have conquered kingdoms or destroyed (or touched) millions of lives you will be forgotten. What worries me is the shoulder shrug at the funeral of those weighing what you meant to them, to your family, to the world.
Over several days or maybe weeks I think I will take some time to look at who I am in the moment. As Aldous Huxley said in Island, “Be here, be now!” I will try and balance one good attribute with one that needs attention or that troubles me. Right now I have to do some work and as the day goes on I will try and put together some thoughts on a bit of the issues I am working through right now. Stay tuned.