Mulligan

The following was generated as a response to a question about whether I should of remained single given the challenges I often depict with my children in this blog.
In responding to my post you ask if I would get married again, if I had a mulligan. The real answer is I don’t know. In my life I have made choices, some good but many poor. But they all add up to make me what I am today. Could I improve on who I am, yes I think so. Am I trying to improve on who I am, yes every single day. Would marriage make the difference between being something better and what I am, I doubt it.
The God’s honest truth is that I need a person in my life to balance my excesses out. Without a significant other I would be a raging alcoholic, perhaps a drug fiend. Without children I would have no compassion for those burdened by life. I am not saying my children are a burden, I am saying they make me think outside myself. The dispassionate perspective of another’s needs, of caring for their growth can really show itself in a parenting setting. It can occur in other relationships but for me parenting has been the catalyst.


If I had it to do all over again I would have exercised more intellectual rigor in each and every subject I undertook to study. Hell, I would have exercised more and taken better care of my body. If I had it to do all over again I would have been the archival tech as opposed to the liquor store assistant manager. If I had it to do all over again I would have slept around a great deal more just to have memories of their hearts and passion . If I had it to do all over again I would have lived by the maxim if it ain’t scary you aren’t going fast enough.


Ah if I had a mulligan that is where I would be, living with compassionate open hearted intensity driving fast to the next best future somewhere. Chances are I would be with someone on that journey a wife or a lover but they would be there because they too wanted that particular journey.

You know what where I am is okay, I am comfortable in my skin.  It is frustrating, it is challenging, but I am who I am and we don't get mulligans.  Be here, be now.