Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Winds Blowing Out of the Past


Unexpected Image

60 years ago back in June, my oldest brother graduated from Penns Grove Regional High School, or ReHi as it was known.  I remember being at either his or my sister’s graduation. We the whole damn family were seated on wooden chairs in a big auditorium in what to me seemed like a massive brick building.  I remember the auditorium was hot and I was squirming in somebody’s arms, either my those of my mother or my sister’s.  I vaguely remember the big stage in the room.  In that I was either three or four (if it was my sister’s) these images qualify as one of my earliest memories.

At this point in time I only vaguely remember John III, as he referred to himself then, being a member in our family home.  I think I remember him being there when we were watching TV a couple of times.  There were always family fights over what to watch.  I remember talking to him once about a box of cereal or pasta that involved either cowboy and Indian cut outs on the box or plastic western figures stuffed inside as a prize.By the time I was four he was away at university.

So today when the librarian of my old high school was having a birthday I started looking at some old year book posts that somebody was uploading from 1959.  The first page that I saw knocked me back.  There was my eldest brother with his flattop hair cut.  I had seen this picture once at some point in time but I don’t remember reading the stuff below his picture.  Then I looked at the whole page and I saw that he had signed it.

To you it may sound silly but to find something signed by my brother floating around on the internet just really surprised me.  It reminded me how much I miss him, and my parents, and my other brother.  Life goes on but to see him so young and with so much living ahead of him it made me smile and it made me a little sad.  We don’t realize the gifts we have until we are looking long into the rear view mirror.  Miss you bro.


Monday, August 5, 2019

Waiting and Wondering and the Weekend



I didn’t write yesterday.  And I didn’t write the day before.

As to the day before, I was at a popular music concert at the Fox Theatre in Detroit, Michigan USA.  The concert was by Bryan Ferry and he was performing all of the Avalon album by the prog rock band Roxy Music.  

The show was solid.  Ferry sand and  played with passion.  The band was tight.  The songs not off the album were crowd pleasers, things like Do the Strand and Virginia Plain. He did a wonderful cover of John Lennon’s Jealous Guy. For a 73 year old man he still rocks.  Not just a little, he rocks hard.  On top of it all he does it all in a suit.

Managed to work in a dinner with an old friend before the show.  We ate at the  theatre and the food was wonderful.  It had been decades since my dinner companion and I had seen each other not on a television screen.  Good food, good conversation.

Yesterday was a bit of a continuation of the day before.  We had stayed in downtown Detroit and so we ate breakfast at the hotel.  We took our time getting up and getting out of the city.  Still, it was Sunday morning and not much was moving.  

We stopped in Brighton to early celebrate my wife Francie’s birthday.  We were also late celebrating our good friend John’s birthday.  We talked about travel to Europe and cancer.  It is hard not to have cancer crop up with my situation as it is.

I did laundry when I got home.  I went to church.  Not much to write about there?  Well, the pastor a Lutheran of good repute gave a sermon about living heaven on earth.  Kind of aligned with some Buddhist thoughts I have read.  So it goes.

Well, that brings me to today.  Work was nasty cases.  People were just so lacking in self awareness. It is kind of hard to explain if you don’t do this work.  There are shadings of the truth and then there is abject bottom of the barrel just lying to save your ass.  Today was the latter.  At one point I shouted at a gentleman, “I don’t need any more of your exposition.”  My wall mate texted me and asked it I was having a rough day.  God’s honest truth, the second I said the word exposition I realized the person I was talking to did not know what the word meant.  Aye yi yi.

I did take some time out to create a letter to my primary care physician to lay out the issues I have already laid out in previous posts.  Young doc at cancer center vs retiring doctor at generalist hospital.  I will see if he calls me back tomorrow.  I want to nail down what I am doing soon. So it goes.



Friday, August 2, 2019

A Decision Will Have to Be Made.


Got the second opinion today.  Mostly the same as the first except they graded the cancer’s aggressiveness a wee bit higher than the first lab.  The doc was a younger man.  He came in and stated that he felt that if I get the surgery in the next four months there is a 97% chance of full recovery with no need for chemo or radiation.  He placed the odds of problems at a very low state.  It seemed he felt there was a chance of a sort of aneurysm that could be corrected without a second surgery.  The odds of this were low 5%.  There was another issue but again the odd os occurrence and odds of correction were very low and very high respectively.

Now I have to work through the calculus.  Local hospital, not as specialized, but a doctor that did a good job working on me twelve years ago.  In the alternative a younger doc whose practice is pretty much just the kind of work I need, and almost solely the kind of work I need.  His hospital is larger, a bit more of a machine, but the care is more specialized.  I can see arguments for going either way.  I am going to get in touch with my primary care doctor on Monday and ask to talk to him for a few minutes so as to see what he thinks.  Do I go with the old saw or the new guy at the more specialized cancer center?

Did stop in Chelsea today on the way back.  Had a great Maryland lump crabmeat sandwich.  Francie had some fried oyster sliders.  The ride back was on M-52 and the traffic was light.  The highways were grinding to a halt when we got off in Chelsea and thus the backroad route home.  So good food, a lush green countryside drive and Jason Isbell on the sound system.  The cancer is there but it probably can be handled. Life it is what it is.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

In the Orchard Draft 1


The exact time to pick peaches is determined by the cultivar, but generally they are harvested from late June through August. Color is a great indicator of maturity. Peaches are ripe when the ground color of the fruit changes from green to completely yellow. Some of the newer peach varieties have a red tinge to the skin, but this is not a reliable barometer of ripeness. There is a fine line when harvesting peaches. You want the fruit to hang on the tree long enough for the flavor and sugar content to peak, but not so long that it becomes overripe. Overripe fruit reduces storage time and increases the possibility of disease, insect and bird damage. Also, peaches will ripen in color, juiciness and texture off the tree, but will lack in flavor and sweetness.

From Gardening Knowhow.com


A hot summer day came. Some of the fruit harvesting was due. All hands headed out to the rows of peach trees.

Poor men and women had always done this work.  You could tell it in the clothing upon their raggedy frames.  You could tell it by the worn out soles of works boots and canvas tennis shoes upon their feet. They walked out into the orchard in light almost threadbare clothing wearing sweat stained straw hats.
Plaid shirts and blue jeans, cotton summer dresses with faded pastel floral patters.

Each and every man and woman, young and old, carried a cotton sack that draped around the neck. Some men carried ladders. These weren’t the safe tripod ladders the government wanted them to use. These were old ladders to be laid up against the trunks of the tallest of the trees.  These ladders had seen decades of use and were stained with oils and paint splatter. Others walking out to the day’s work carried stacks of bushel baskets.

He inhaled deeply, sweet peach smells mixed with the other harsher smells of a working farm. His nostrils were filled with the scents of diesel, sweat and dust. And when they reached the edge of the orchard they began their picking.

Row after row they worked. She would pick the low hanging fruit. Row after row, he would put the ladder up against the tree and climb up for the ripe red tinged flesh. He job was to make sure nothing was wasted, that nothing was left to rot higher in the tree. Almost biblically this harvest was bountiful but the hands working it were few.

The task was repetitive.  The task was hard.  You had to have a strong but gentle touch to picking the peach carefully so as not to bruise it he flesh. Twisted and free from the tree both he and she would place the fruit in their respective sacks.

When the sack was full the fruit was taken to the baskets that had been set in pretty equidistant spacing  between the rows of trees. He would repeat this task again and again. She would repeat this task again and again.  During season the hours were long.  Pickin’ required staining muscles and aches that linger long after you had left the orchard. Repeat until the humid heat soaked those cotton shirts and dresses with sweat. Repeat and smell the sweet odor of ripe and overripe peaches. Another ten days and the smells would include a strong sickly scent of rotting discharged peaches.

As noontime approached he and she found themselves at the far end of the longest row in the orchard. They stood alone. Anyone with ears, even the oldest deafest of the hands,  could hear the tractor pulling the wagon of full bushel baskets headed back to the barn.

Most of the pickers would be headed back to the yard between the farmhouse and the barn. On that patch of yard, if you would call it that were two old trees.  A maple reached up into the sky.  A catalpa with its broad leaves just generated so much cooling oxygen that it was 10 degrees cooler in the space between.  It was a comfort to sit beneath the shade trees and eat. To have a cigarette. To tell filthy jokes. To flirt.

The voices and noises of the others had faded now. The two of them stayed where they stopped, at the end of the row. They sat on a patch of drying grass and commenced to eat quietly and without saying a word. Sitting together they unwrapped their sandwiches from folded wax paper.He opened a steel thermos of cold water. She had not brought her drink today.  She had figured on drinking from the hose back at the house, where the water came from a deep well and the water was cold if you let it run a minute. They both took small sips of the icy clean liquid from his thermos.

When their sandwiches had been eaten she had a surprise for him.  In her sack she had kept the two best peaches of the morning. She handed one to him. Thanks he said and your welcome she said and they commenced to eat. The season was young enough that the mere smell of a peach would turn and churn the contents of their stomachs.  They day would come quickly, but this was not that day.

The peaches were ripe and full and peach juice dribbled down her face.She felt silly. Not thinking for a second he pulled out a still clean cloth handkerchief from his pocket. Leaning he set about to dab up the sticky rivulet on her check. When she didn’t back off even the slightest he changed his mind. On wild impulse he  leaned in to kiss that sweet peach juice away. She did not resist at all and soon the kiss was deep.  Their hands were grasping, touching, and finally their arms were wrapping around the other.

Their breathing grew fast and they held each other tightly, so very tightly
She shuddered. He laughed. His was a nervous kind of laugh like he had been caught stealing something insignificant by his grandmother.  And it was over.

The tractor could be heard chugging its way back into the field. Voices were growing louder.
They must so, so very soon be back to work. They quickly straightened themselves up.  They both hoped the flush would leave their faces before the others got back

All he could think of for the rest of the day was the kiss, the peach sweet kiss. All she could think of for the rest of the day was that there was never enough time for lunch. There is a fine line as to when the harvest is due.

Tomorrow is Day One with Doctor Four

Tomorrow, Friday the 2nd of August I will travel down to Ann Arbor, Washtenaw County, Michigan.  When I arrive down there I have an appointment with a urological oncologist.  His specializes in tumors and cancers of the kidneys, the testis and other parts of those systems that bring us delight (if working properly) or relief (if working properly.

The nerves are a little frayed.  The mind is a little rattled.  However, this is what must be done.  So far I have not let them rip out a part of me without some secondary consultation.  Tomorrow, it is just a few hours of sleep away. When I am done with writing this I will take a little walk in the fading light of an early August evening. My ears will be  listening for bird songs. My eyes will be looking for unique blossoms.  Why do we exist if we do not savor the natural world’s wonders.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

In Which The Narcissist Sets Off an Explosion of Unanticipated Existential Angst

In Which The Narcissist Sets Off an Explosion of Unanticipated Existential Angst

The scene is this, two women mid to late thirties sit in a nondescript beige break room at the back of a large, well very large suite in a strip mall.  On either side of a battered old kitchen table from the 1980s they burn the 15 minutes of their break.

These two women are clerks for the agency that issues titles and tags for vehicles.  Their day are spent arguing about who can sign what form legitimately and what fees must be charged.  Each of them is constantly monitored by cameras positioned behind their work stations. Any mistake or malfeasance will  be captured and analyzed off a DVD.

These two are good people.  Each works hard.  Both clearly care for other people.  They are diligent and  conscientious in their work.  Neither has had a performance tickets in years. Still,  their managers constantly fuck with their breaks and their weekly schedules.  If you were to watch them closely you would think they were the epitome of stoic resolve and the ideal of what a dedicated worker is supposed to be. They are kind people. Each of them wants to help.

As they sit scrolling through Twitter, Facebook and texts about one pot meals a coworker enters the room.  Both of them like their coworker.  He has a sense of humor, but its somewhat crude and often fill his remarks with double entendres.  But for the most part he is usually smiling and has a joke or a self effacing story to tell.  They like him or at least they don’t dislike him.

Last week they learned that their coworker has come down with renal cancer.  Both of them had heard his stories about his prior surgeries for prostate cancer, a problematic gallbladder and also appendicitis.  To hear him tell it each of these events was hilarious.  But both of them have had diagnoses and medical procedures that were problematic and painful.  In each of their minds they are worried about their work friend and his mental state

So this day as he walks in to pour himself a cup of black coffee-black decaf coffee, they know his cardiologist has ruled out the real stuff, (yeah this guy over shares) they ask him how he is doing. The man is due for major surgery in a month and a week; he will be losing part of his kidney.  Each of them worries that his emotional state may be growing more fragile.  The threat of major surgery has a nasty way of unnerving even the strongest of souls.

Dressed in his bow tie and suspenders, wearing his pink and blue plaid shirt the man responds. “Now if you are asking me about how I am feeling about my surgery, you know, am I anxious the answer is no.   I have a month to wait. Because of that  I have just put all my nerves about being cut open  in a box in the back of my mind. I will not think about the surgery and the pain until probably about a week before the event.  I have been through so many surgeries at this point, I don’t want to contemplate the upcoming pain until I have to.”

Both of the women nod and one of the says, “That is a good attitude; the best attitude.” The man smiles.

He then continues, “ Now if you are asking me about my overriding fear that comes to me late at night when I am trying to sleep that I know I am going to die and that I am not sure if any of this, life, religion, good works, bad works means anything at all and we are just heading into the abyss, into entropy, well that hasn’t hit me in a bit.  I mean when I was ten years old I had a dream that both of my parents were killed in an accident in my father’s 1965 Mustang and when I awoke I realized none of us gets out of here alive.  I mean I have answered altar calls, I have read Buddhist scriptures, I have taken hallucinogenic drugs to drive this fear way but to no avail.  I have taken college course on metaphysics to see if that would drive the black nothingness back. Still,  every so often that raw fear of impending oblivion hits.  Eh, that hasn’t happened in a bit.”

Almost in unison the two women said, “You need to get on medications”.  With that the younger of the two of them (by a few years), began to tell how 10 years ago or so she came to the same realization and that it was at the edge of absolutely driving her nuts.  She talked about the cold sweat she experienced in the middle of the night and the nausea that constantly plagued her when she came back to this idea.  She then rattled off a list of medications to try and finally offered the one up that seemed to work for her.  She said, “Meds help.  You just can’t leave the door to those thoughts open too long.”

The other woman began to describe how paralyzing the fear was when she came to the same realization.  She talked about being rendered almost immobile from the thoughts.  She opined that she was not sure she would be able to go on after the waves of existential fear (she didn’t use the word existential) rolled over her. They she offered that you just had to find the right medication.

The man was shocked.  The women were shocked.  It seemed as if they never realized that they were not the only people who felt lost in the world.  None of them had really though out that others felt bracketed in the hours between the forceps and the shroud. It came in a moment of unvarnished reality where all the defenses we usually hold in place fell down.  The man had to run off for a minor task and when he returned the women were still talking about what had triggered their dive into this endless well of thought.  The man wondered if they had read Camus.

Later in the day the man came back to the room.  It was awkward.  The emotional quality was much like  running into someone you somehow slid into a sexual union with quickly and unexpectedly and then you meet them a day or two later.  You are not sure if you should talk the sex, or anything that happened the other night or whether it is better to pretend that it just didn’t happen.This time the three of them talked about the weekend weather forecast.

Opening up that you suffer the great fear that this is all without meaning or purpose, that life is a fluke, and that entropy wins, is about as raw and naked as a human soul gets.  The conversation those three shared was probably more intimate that ninety five percent of the one night stands in this sordid old world of ours.

Monday, July 29, 2019

You Got This

There are three phrases you hear again and again when you tell someone you have cancer.  They are, “You’ll be fine” or “Everything will be okay”, or “You got this.” Clearly there is hope and love in each of these statements.  And God thank you for every single soul that has uttered them since I decided to just let it hang out that I have renal cancer.

For stretches I can accept these statements as true.  But then the thoughts of what if crawl into my mind.  In my job I have met so many people that doctors have promised the world and delivered only ashes to.  Yeah there are a great deal of what ifs that abound when you are facing down surgery.

But I am opting to stay with the line that says these people and my doctor are correct.  Life has been good to me so far.  I want more of these joyous breaths. Thank you to all of you who have uttered these phrases.