Tonight the Well is Dry.

Tonight writing is daunting.  Dashed off a letter to a friend. Think I spent my creative energy in that process.  Wrote another letter earlier in the day.  Pretty clear I owed an apology and so I made it. Third, I also wrote eight Orders from hearings I had held.  So, to sit and be creative tonight seems like a busman’s holiday.  

So what can I say in 10 minutes, the library closes in eleven.  First, people really do care what happens to other people.  You will now which ones when they approach you quietly and say something personal and supportive. Second, being postive always beats the alternatives.  It is easy to be bitter when life hands you a handful of poo.  However, if you act like a bitter martyr nobody will help you get it off your hands. Third, don’t send e-mails when you are agitated.  Never ends well.

Those are all the thoughts I have for tonight.  Now to go watch trashy Australian TV.

Reading Assignment

Reading Assignment

Tonight I gave myself a reading assignment.  I took all the pre operative materials given to me by the folks at U of M’s preadmission area to the library and I read them.  I had listened to the before care instructions with great detail. What I remembered tracked with what I read.  

I had not read the post operative instructions.  Those sucked.  Not that I really found anything I had not experienced in prior surgeries, it just reminded me that what is coming sucks.  The easiest way to make this palatable is an equation. Surgery = life without cancer; not surgery = well we will not go there now, will we?

I have read it all.  I will read it again.  I need to go walk to get my circles closed on my Apple Watch.

Tomatoes

When you grow up in a farm town there are sensory things that burn into your mind.  Me, I remember so clearly the smell of South Jersey dust as trucks hauled produce up and down our Salem County back roads.  Big old stake trucks kicked up tons of dust hanging it in the air.  Living in a glorified swamp there the dust had a musty scent that never went away.

Peppers too had a very distinct smell.  Crisp and green those peppers smelled completely different from what they call green bell peppers today. When you drove by a field of peppers you could imagine them being sautéed with onions and tomatoes in bacon grease in a big old cast iron frying pan. A little bit later sliced boiled potatoes would be added to crisp up making a side dish that was most of the meal.

But the scent I remember most is the smell of tomatoes.  Rich, red and ripe and waiting for hand picking those big monsters had the strongest and tartest smell.  Living near a vegetable packing house I knew the smell of every kind of tomato there was.  I knew the smell of green tomatoes, ripe tomatoes, overripe tomatoes and the vinegary sweet smell of tomatoes that had been squished in crates or discarded in a rot pile.

As I walked to the library tonight I passed a tomato plant.  I grabbed a quick photo and then I leaned in to see if I could get a better angle capturing both the green tomatoes and a couple of the red ones on the plant.  

As I got close I got all those tomato smells.  Some fruits had fallen to the ground and were decaying. Bam, I was hit with the smell of the produce yards.  The ripe tomatoes were really ripe and each smelled like a tomato that was just crying out to be put on a BLT with home baked bread, thick bacon and fresh garden lettuce.  Kraft Mayo too.  And the green tomatoes on that plant had that new, almost waxy smell, with the hint of a sharp scent.  One whiff and I was back out behind my garage watching the trucks roll in and out on a hot summer day.

Bucolic Enlightenment

An escapist genre of films and books exist that beckons us all to embrace slow living.  Some examples include A Year in Provence and Under the Tuscan Sun. Invariably in these movies there is an American or a Brit who runs into the veritable mental mud that is the life in the unchanging rural regions of France or Italy.  A Good Year with Russell Crowe stands are the archetypal film of this genre.  When one goes back to the life of good bread, good cheeses and good wine, how can life be anything but wonderful?  Too simplistic, but the films are filled with pretty people and pretty scenery.

But every now and then you get to have a meal, you find a way to grab a few hours and share a moment with people you care about.  When done right you find yourself there in the wonderful scene where the agitated and pushy Brit or American understands it all, bucolic enlightenment.  

Last night I had dinner with a handful of friends at one of their houses.  These were good friends, long time friends and the time we spent together was very much akin to the inevitable dining scene in those movies.  It comes at about the hour forty minute mark of each of these films and involves a meal where people are eating hearty food, there is ambient light from candles or torches and the music is like an additional dinner guest.  Last night was spot on for the concept of taking time to be with people you value and listening, and talking and enjoying the evening.

I am about to hit a wall with my upcoming surgery that is going to slow me immensely. Hopefully when I come out the other side I will be much more able to appreciate a slowing pace of life.  We will see.

Anger and Agitation are not Beneficial

I think the key to getting these things posted is keeping them short.  Last night I got on a roll and it is about 10 paragraphs long and it is only about 2/3rds done.  Maybe that particular post will get done before my surgery.  Maybe it won’t.  Not like any of the stuff I write is memorable, but at least I am doing something other than mopeing.

Today is a mopeing day. Previewing the work at day’s beginning things looked easy.  Doing the work all sorts of little, but not really little, issues arose.  Tried to get some help from my superior, but my thought is that she is irritated with me because I won’t tell her the exact date I am retiring.  As it stands I have several other health issues I need to attend to.  I am not going to leave my job where I have good insurance before I address those.

Truth be told I am not trying to mess with anyone.  Truth also be told I have given the State of Michigan my honest efforts for 18 years and 49 weeks.  If I have to take care of me as I am on my way out, we I am going to do what is permitted by the policies in place and the rules governing my behavior as an employee.  Sure, she wants to begin the process to get a new Hearing Officer, but I really do have to look out for me.

I started clearing out my office today when I got so irritated at the situation that I was not thinking correctly.  Recycling calendars from 18 years ago stopped me from sending the e-mail that said, “Sorry my cancer is causing you an inconvenience. Guess what?  It is taking a mental toll on me.”  

Then I opened the envelope and found the kite John Lee made when he was five.  Construction paper and weird colors it was a beautiful thing.  And there was Loren’s drawing of something.  I am sure he told me what it was at the time but now it is kind of abstract.

Seeing the handiwork of my sons when they were so little just melted my heart.  It released what churning irritation was in my heart. My boys are strange beasts, this was foreordained by genetics.  Still, to see what they made, the creative sparks that were already flowing back in their preschool days, it kept me sane at least for a moment.

Onward we Journey.

Sunday Afternoon

09/15/19

16 days until my surgery will happen.  Scalpels and DaVinci surgery machines are becoming more and more of a reality to me now.  Up until now I have been able to keep the fears at bay, but cracks are beginning to appear in my wall of “So What?”  Yes, there is a sour acid taste in my stomach as I try and plot out the timeline; Now->Surgery->Recovery->Extended Stay VISA application->Finnancial plannng->Colonoscopy->Other medical follow up-> retirement. So much fear, so much doubt. Should I keep working.  Should I sell the house now.  What should I be doing, or rather what is the right thing I should be doing?

In trying to not piss off my boss I have been working very hard to catch up on all my outstanding work.  I have one old case to finish.  The reasons my cases get old is because they are messy. In the case I am working on that I just can’t seem to finish the person has mental health issues, a Court appointed Guardian and lots of drunk driving convictions.  As is always the case there is always someone who is willing to say he has an excellent chance of staying abstinent. Mental health treatment and the oversight of his life by his guardian have not kept this person from drinking and driving.  Still, saying what I have to say with tact is hard.  No is always hard, but it is even harder when you have to say no politely and circumspectly.

Today is a misty day.  Didn’t sleep well last night.  My sons were out late with their friends playing some kind of nerd games.  Knowing that tons of drunks would be on the road following a loss for the home football team I worried.  Sue me, I am a parent. Unable to sleep I watched a movie.  This usually is the perfect sleep aid.  Cheesy as it was that movie kept my attention.  Must have been Cheech Marin playing a priest. Really, the iPad didn’t hit me in the face once telling me to go to sleep.  And I found myself emptying the dishwasher and reloading it at 12:15 am.  As a result I am at loose ends physically and emotionally.  A good night of sleep is something to be valued.

Travel books sit on the table near me in the library. One is for Chile and the other Costa Rica.  Right now Costa Rica is in vogue.  Personally, I know a number of people who have made the trek to Costa Rica.  Me however, I have had no interest in Costa Rica.  

Now Patagonia that is something else altogether.  Patagonia there at thesouthernmost tip of South America, shared by Argentina and Chile, has always had an allure for me.  Divided by the Andes, Argentina and Chile occupy this region. On the Argentine side are found dry steppes, grasslands and deserts.  Across the mountains Chile has glacial fjords and temperate rainforest. Sounds like a wonderful place to explore. Doubt I will ever get there but it looks so inviting.

Much change lies ahead.

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Good People

Since my wife showed me the tweaks one can do with the portrait option on the iPhone I have been having great fun.  Here are shots of the people from the branch office where I work.  Also there is a shot of the other Hearing Officers and myself.