The Turning of the Year - 2015

Today marks the turning of a new year.

Last night in Elkton, MD the local citizenry dropped a huge crab from a pole to mark the New Year. There in the bar next to the crab drop a good hearty toast was offered. In Key West a drag queen was lowered from a balcony. She was reclined in a giant glittery pump. She was wearing a flowing purple gown. In Sidney Australia and in many Asian cities huge firework displays exploded above many storied skylines. If memory serves me in Memphis Tennessee, the home of the King, a guitar was to drop from a pole at the crack of 12 a.m. CST.

As a family we celebrated last night. A small shrimp tray, some homemade soup, crackers and Sprite with grenadine were the constituent parts of the repast. Slurping our soup and narfing our crustaceans we watched Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin provide the CNN coverage. At midnight the kids went off to bed. I watched for about a half hour more.

Nota Bene the youngest has a gaming party today. This thus required I clean some laundry, vacuum the hallways and wipe down the bathrooms as we gathered around the television watching the spectacle that is New Year's Eve. Even in anticipation of a holiday the tasks don't go somehow magically vanish. I didn't fatigue and kept at it up until I went to bed. Believe it or not I view this as a good sign.

The alarm was off and so I slept in. Clear eyed today we survey day one of the new year. In the political subdivision that is known as Michigan, United States of America, North America, planet Earth the day is grey. No surprise for the early January in this place. What is a surprise is that there is virtually no snow. Not complaining because last year we had about a meter of the white stuff that had already fallen. Also we had just gotten power back after a week plus without. I will take this day as one of grace.

The lads with their friends are in the living room re-watching the first episode of Over the Garden Wall. One of the gaming participants is running late. Me I am sitting in the kitchen listening to Chris Smither. “In those days we were single, we lived them one by one. Now days we hardly even see 'em, they don't walk they run.” Yeah, with the onset of the new year I found myself wandering back to this song.

We didn't travel very much over the holiday. We simply visited a college for my youngest son, a closed college at that. Valparaiso the town seemed okay to me. It was a standard courthouse square kind of place cum a college appended. Red brick from the early 19^th century seemed to predominate. I would not have liked a college so small but my tastes are not every person's.

Yeah even breathing feels alright. I look out the window and a passerby waves. Can't see the face because of the scarf and glasses. Still it was a genial gesture and I wave back. Amos Lee plays on the speaker and I keep typing. Pandora has just done a run of Johnny Cash, Folsom Prison Blues, the Rolling Stones, Sympathy for the Devil and CCR's Bad Moon Rising. The aural component of the day is nice and moving toward excellent.

A few years ago I made a decision that I would not make resolutions for any new year. Me, I am not one to set myself up for failure if I don't have to. Nope, no resolutions for me.

The above being said today I am thinking about the distinction between resolutions and goals. If I made it a goal to write 750 words four days out of seven would that be a resolution and would I feel as guilty if I didn't actually live up to it? My goal (not resolution) is also track four out of seven days in my Weight Watcher's tracking software. (Yeah, I agree that one seems almost like a resolution). Maybe I will ditch that tracking as a goal and just do it.

One goal I will try and live up to is staying connected and being responsive. One of my many cousins noted I don't often offer comments on Facebook. He was right. It is consistent with my overall behavior of lack of personal follow through. Having considered his observation my goal will be to respond to emails, notes and posts. As part of this goal I will strive to return phone calls. Another aspect of this goal will be to think before speaking but to speak when people are expecting a response.

Bruce Springsteen is singing “The River” and that is a good point to wrap it up. In defeat there is hope. In loss a new seed of growth is planted. In the bleak midwinter there is the promise of summer's bounty.

Goodbyes at the Ending of the Year-The Rights and Wrongs of It.

In the ending of the year it seems as if every single program I watch is scrolling a list of the famous and infamous who have passed away in the 362 days since January 1. Each year will lose some notable. The facts are immutable, our corporeal bodies pass through the birth canal and drop into the light of this world. If lucky we age and then die. Star or serf we all pass through this world feeling love and pain, hope and despair.

This year a couple of comedy performers seem to top the lists. A jazz musician, a poet and several politicians fill out the middle of the most recent list I have seen. Two noble laureates ended up a the bottom of this list with hushed reverence from the narrator.

People like my brother in law John Davis don't make these lists. John lived in metropolitan Chicago. What did he accomplish. Well coming from a youth filled with challenges he married a good smart and talented woman and raised some great kids. Because he wasn't in the public eye should he be any less mourned? I think not. We all live lives that can have merit. My thought is that we should compile our own lists and turn off these TV programs.

American has for many years had a cult of celebrity. It is a nasty business. In order to forget about our lives for a moment, and I guess our struggles, we turn on TV and watch programs that tell us about the stars stints in rehab. We are bombarded by images of their infidelities. We are told of the misdeeds of their youth and their current loutish behavior. Why do we need to look at these images? When we are drawn in to this celebrity watching we are no better than people gawking as they pass a car wreck with bodies beneath tarps.

I have no problems with reading fiction because it requires time and discipline. I don't have any problem with seeing a movie or a television series. A movie forces me to sit for just about two hours and relax. Images fill my brain and I turn off my worries and struggles. A good television series can do the same thing but when you put in on the DVR you steal more and more of your free time. Life must have some diversions, it absolutely must.

What I have a problem with is that I don't need to know a damn thing about the writer or the actor. Let their work stand for itself. I don't really care if the creator of a moving tome is a chronic public flasher. That issue is between him, the law and his psychotherapist. And when a actor, a hockey player or a politician dies that take no more of this world with them than each of our sisters and brothers do when that pass.

Will the lists at year's end stop, well no. Should we walk away from the cult of celebrity and the industries that feed on it, yes. Will we? No. However I allow myself the hope that someday we can come to a sense of perspective and that EW, People and Entertainment Tonight will fade from such prominent view. Someday I hope we spend more time with those about us honoring them.

Fare Thee Well Joe

12-22-14

Joe Cocker died today, at least that is what the Huffington Post says. I never saw Joe but his music was an important part of the soundtrack of my life. When he sang those songs on Sheffield Steel I could really feel him reaching down into his gut to let us know what the lyrics meant. Some many camping mornings fire going having that post breakfast Labbatt 50 the boom box was blaring that disk over and over again.

To some he was a joke and people laughed at those onstage gyrations. But in a studio with the right production team he could create a personal anthem again and again. He was grittier and dirtier than that smokey whiskey voice of Van Morrison. He had more energy hidden in each syllable that he sang that any of the “stars” created by the hit making machines on TV today.

Mr. Cocker we will miss you.

Saturday before Thanksgiving Year of our Lord 2014

It is the day before the Todd family celebrates Thanksgiving at our local Lutheran Church. As the local weather report says on my phone there is a fine ice mist going on this morning. Francie is downstairs preparing to brine the turkey. Me, I am listening to a CBC Morning Show on Radio One. There weather at both locales East Lansing and Ottawa sounds about the same right now, cold and crappy.

The host is having folks bring in breakfast foods. There has been a frittata, some blueberry French toast and a tenderloin omelet so far. I am growing quite hungry. I did go down and grab about a third of a pumpkin pie bagel to hold me until breakfast. A woman with a delightful accent is now talking about welsh cakes. She is asserting that they are wonderful for breakfast. 
 
Another guest is a singer named Jeremy Fisher. He just performed a Christmas song called, “I owe, I owe, I owe”. Quite cute. The host is asking Jeremy now about the stories that the performer offers up between songs, “Are they true?” Mr. Fisher responds that his memory is additive and that as time goes by the story gets warped a bit here and a twisted tad there as he responds to each audience he faces. He is a fun guest and a passable performer.

 A new dish is being offered up for the breakfast. She says it is a bit of a muffelet. It is an omelet cooked in a muffin tray. Bread, stuffed at the bottom of the tin, add eggs and cheese and bake. Sounds good. Me, I don’t think that is an omelet. Sounds to me more like a scrambled egg bake. I have tried making those throwing in some crisped up maple bacon. Not bad but the kids did not like the odd texture.

As I was out of the room the program shifted to world news. Apparently there is a security summit in Halifax and John McCain is screaming that our policy toward the Islamic State is in his word “delusional”. Yeah, it is time to change the station. Off to Pandora. The first song that comes up is one called Dreamer or Believer, the very catchy hook is “The worst is behind him, love is gonna find him. He’s good no troubles that a dollar won’t cure.” The singer is Jimmy Gardreau. I love my Pandora “Wake the Dead” station.

As to my breakfast I can smell the scent of a ham steak working its way up the stairwell from the kitchen. Five or six days of the week oatmeal. Today will be a piece of ham and most likely an omelet. Saturday mornings are good morning. If the ice doesn’t linger I will most likely go to work late this afternoon or early evening. I will try and rally the troops to go cut our Christmas tree midday. This means bringing the boxes of Christmas stuff up from the basement today. Ah how quickly the year has flown by. Have a Great Day and may the turkey be with you come week’s end.

If You Haven't Ever Heard Me Give a Speech

A few weeks ago I gave a speech on meditation. If you haven't seen me speak in a long time or ever here is a link that will allow you to do that. Start at about the 38 minute mark. http://www.law.msu.edu/video/index.html​

The Speech I Gave Last Night on Meditation

Hello, I'm an administrative law examiner for the State of Michigan. 

I meditate daily. I am not afraid to admit it. What do I mean by saying I meditate? 

Well, I get to my office between about 7:40 a.m. Almost always I am the first person there. As I juggle my stuff walking in the door I turn the office alarm off. My lunch goes into the refrigerator, I start a pot of decaffeinated coffee and I go to my office.

 After struggling with my keys I set my bags down on a table. My office is windowless so I turn n a small floor lamp. After I close my door I unroll a little yoga mat behind my desk and put on some ancient music. I like ancient choruses without instrumental accompaniment in Latin. I can’t understand a damn word of it but it is very, pretty and soothing. Then I sit with my legs folded on the mat.

 For about 10 minutes while in this posture I try and clear my mind of everything. I just let all my thoughts flow by and just try empty my consciousness. 

That is the sum of my practice. I have been doing this for probably five years on a regular basis at my office. As I sit and listen to the singing I am mentally taken to a peaceful place. It calms me. Mentally it moves me into a cool calm almost holy space. In this state I let go of the world and its problems, just for now. My breathing slows and I feel real rest coming to my bones. With my thoughts clearing I can see, I can discern. 

Meditation isn’t a philosophy, a theology, an ism or any method or path. It just is. Discernment and calm, these are the things I touch when meditating. I meditate because I need a respite from stress. What kind of stress do I have you ask? 

Well let's see every day I listen to seven different people who've come in for a hearing tell me their problems. They do this with passion as they plead for restoration of their driving license privileges. People tell me about horrible things; sexual assault, child abuse, infidelity, grievous disease and failed dreams. Most people lay out this parade of tragedy to explain why they drank or drugged too much in the past. 

 Also I hear from people who killed their best friend because they flipped a coin to see who was going to drive because they were both too inebriated to be behind the wheel. Yeah it's pretty nasty stuff isn’t it. 

At about 15,000 hearings I've done to date over 15 years it still takes a toll every time. 

 And then I go home. My wife has a great job but it's pretty high stress too. So if I want to unwind by working through my day’s emotional onslaught with her as my amateur psychologist I have to do it reciprocally and take on her traumas in exchange. Sigh.

My kids well nothing stressful there. One of my children has Aspergers and the other ADD. One is like Robin Williams nonstop all the time and the other wants everyone to be totally quiet for long as possible. Do you see any disconnect, any source of dissonance. Is there I ask you perhaps the germ of stress there?

 Over time this life was taking its toll on me. A few years back I was eating achiphex like candy. But then one day about five years ago I was walking through the old Barnes & Noble in East Lansing. I saw a magazine up in the bright sunlight windows that caught my eye. It was called Tricycle. A vividly colored piece of art on the cover drew me in. The first article I flipped to had a title like “Just Sit." The article went on to talk about some of the healing qualities of meditation. Things like lower heart rate lower blood pressure better general overall health stood out as I read it. 

Throwing down my five dollar bill I bought the magazine. How was I to know I just bought into meditation? 

 The article I read simply talked about sitting. It talked about not fighting the ideas that flitted through you mind. It urged getting on a mat and just breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. Let the ideas pass by but don’t grab onto them. Don’t make a list. Let the quiet settle in. 

 This wasn't the first time I’d been introduced to meditation. I am a Delaware attorney. Delaware has a three day bar exam. Between day two and day three the bar exam I was hospitalized with chest pains. By the time I got to the hospital I was in tachycardia, my heart was at two hundred beats a minute. It wasn’t a heart attack I had a condition that is known as Wolf Parkinson White, there is an extra electrical pathway across my heart that makes it race when I'm stressed. The net impact is that when you're stressed like say standing in the court room making an argument trying to win your client some money you can faint or better yet die. 

Great time to learn your body can’t handle oral argument, after three years of law school and two thirds of the bar exam. 

 Given my career path was set my cardiologist suggested that I learn some relaxation techniques. I picked up a book called "Minding The Body Mending The Mind." It was one of the best things I ever did. In that tome I found a crash course on relaxation techniques. Breathe in through your nose slowly filling your lungs and let the air pass across your lips on the way out. Alternatively lie on the floor and relax every muscle in your body. 

These two techniques from the book have stood the test of time for me. I used these techniques for a number of years. 

However when I left Delaware and got the private practice in Michigan I was always rushed I was always stressed and I lost touch with how to handle stress. I ignored the things I knew on how to give my bodily and mental systems a break. 

Failing to meditate early in the day means I will get lost in the day. Meditation is an act that focuses my being. When I say lost in the day I mean my focus is drawn in a 100 directions and I don’t seem to accomplish anything. My prioritizations schemes all fail. 

 For me the act of centering my mind is as natural and necessary as taking a shower to cleanse my body. If I don’t take my shower say because I know I have heavy work to do that will require sweat and or exposure to gunky things (image cleaning a wet basement), my day is thrown off also. Showering just gets me to the starting point of the day. Maybe what I am saying is I like to start the day clean mentally and physically, a tabla rasa as it were. 

Meditation can be as simple as walking about and just forcing me to be in the moment. Look there is a tree. Smell the bakery. See the light glinting oddly off the windows up there. For me the bindings of stress are loosened through practice/meditation. The emptying of the grocery bag of the mind and the ditching of the daily list punches a hole through the mental garbage that can overwhelm me Meditation gives me perspective. 

Were I to hold anger or resentment about what seem to be injustices in, the dark nature of those feelings would kill me. Some days I suspect my irritations at others and at myself have already planted the seeds to my doom and that the harvest will come due soon. Maybe that sense or belief that internalizing hurt and rage is unhealthy is why in my later years I am drawn to meditation. 

October Grey

 

October when it comes to Michigan is an affair of contrasts. One day might be clear and the temperature could be in the 70s; maybe just shirt sleeves would be more than enough cover against the weather. But the the fronts roll in one after another each dragging with it A drop in the temperature and mist or in hail and alternately snow.

October is a period of transition. Daylight is decreasing at a very precipitous rate.

Living through October is a time when you come to understand dread. With October's passing me realize that winter is not a fable, that it is not simply going to skip you by this year and it is a hard reality with which you must live. October you watch the clouds that mark a front closely.