The weekend flew by. On Friday night there was a high school football game for my community. Both my children are now in high school. Secundus is in the band. His membership in this organization has motivated my attendance at the mini war. Our team won. Under the lights last Friday it was a great moment for the blue and white colors of the uniforms. We beat the read and black (I think).
During the time I was at the game I spoke to about thirty people. I saw the head of the school district, the principal, the vice principal, the dean of students, the head of the band boosters, the school districts bond counsel, a former client from my days in private practice, the athletic director, another former client, a political activist I worked with on John Kerry’s campaign and a fellow school board member. As you might guess I did not really see the game.
3/4ths of my time was spent talking about the need for/how to get money to build the school new buildings. Some of the time was spent talking about band events like the party afterward. Secundus went. He loved it. Some of the time was spent on the fact that the thug who was long term suspended last use for a interaction with a law enforcement officer and who was banned from school activities was present. Most of the time I found myself talking to any person that took a moment to grab my arm and bend my ear.
It was a great thing, okay a good thing that our laundry prevailed this time. But it is in moments like these that you figure out how small a world it is. My first old client was at the game because he played college football with the coach of our team. The bond counsel was at the game because her daughter plays in the band with my son. The same was true of the second old client. The political activist is married to the bond counsel. Etc, etc.
There is an old song by James McMurtry called small town and the lyrics are apropos.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Blue Sky Meditation
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What do I need is the question Thomas Merton asked of me this morning as I picked up his book instead of the Zen one. A simple question this one like the questions of most sincere seekers has no ready pat answer. The question was posed on a beautiful Kentucky morning as the monk wrote in his personal journal.
Merton’s answer, at least on that day as he wrote long hand into his moleskin or spiral bound there in his hermitage was, “If necessary I can get by with plenty of mornings like this. Seriously, I need silence, though and solitude to enter into myself and see and touch reality, to live a contemplative life.”
I can agree with some of what he has said. The air today right now is 63 degrees F, the air is pale blue and absolutely free of clouds and there is no humidity anywhere. As I look up I am filled with the thoughts I had as a young boy thinking of travelling great distances in spaceships and of kite flying and of going swimming to “waste’ an afternoon. I can get by with a morning like this. It is not enough my spirit wants something more but there is value to being here/being now in a day like this. We don’t get many like this in our lives now do we?
Staring into the pale blue morning sky is a Zen meditation in itself. It is also a prayer to an almighty God in his goodness giving thanks for all this is right with this world. It is an act of openness to possibilities that lie outside of my self.
One of my struggles with Merton is a thin line that I think exists in the realms of those who would live apart from the “world”. It is the divide between solitude to clear away the clutter of the world and allow us to focus on the core essential aspects of being or of the divine and solitude that becomes self absorption taken to its ultimate narcissistic conclusion. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think Merton crossed that line but pulling back from the world can easily result in the world becoming the boundaries of your own ego.
Like Merton I want solitude so that I may have a time to meditate, to think about the broader aspects of life and its meaning. I must guard against misdirection and complacency. I don’t want those times I find solitude to create my own little world. Sitting on a stoop, surrounded by a cacophony of sounds, staring into a blue sky with an open soul beats sitting on a mat in a dimly lit room where I am trying to clear my mind but instead refocusing again on me and my issues.
What do I need is the question Thomas Merton asked of me this morning as I picked up his book instead of the Zen one. A simple question this one like the questions of most sincere seekers has no ready pat answer. The question was posed on a beautiful Kentucky morning as the monk wrote in his personal journal.
Merton’s answer, at least on that day as he wrote long hand into his moleskin or spiral bound there in his hermitage was, “If necessary I can get by with plenty of mornings like this. Seriously, I need silence, though and solitude to enter into myself and see and touch reality, to live a contemplative life.”
I can agree with some of what he has said. The air today right now is 63 degrees F, the air is pale blue and absolutely free of clouds and there is no humidity anywhere. As I look up I am filled with the thoughts I had as a young boy thinking of travelling great distances in spaceships and of kite flying and of going swimming to “waste’ an afternoon. I can get by with a morning like this. It is not enough my spirit wants something more but there is value to being here/being now in a day like this. We don’t get many like this in our lives now do we?
Staring into the pale blue morning sky is a Zen meditation in itself. It is also a prayer to an almighty God in his goodness giving thanks for all this is right with this world. It is an act of openness to possibilities that lie outside of my self.
One of my struggles with Merton is a thin line that I think exists in the realms of those who would live apart from the “world”. It is the divide between solitude to clear away the clutter of the world and allow us to focus on the core essential aspects of being or of the divine and solitude that becomes self absorption taken to its ultimate narcissistic conclusion. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think Merton crossed that line but pulling back from the world can easily result in the world becoming the boundaries of your own ego.
Like Merton I want solitude so that I may have a time to meditate, to think about the broader aspects of life and its meaning. I must guard against misdirection and complacency. I don’t want those times I find solitude to create my own little world. Sitting on a stoop, surrounded by a cacophony of sounds, staring into a blue sky with an open soul beats sitting on a mat in a dimly lit room where I am trying to clear my mind but instead refocusing again on me and my issues.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, August 08, 2011
No illusion, no deception, I remain aware of all the wrongs I have done. In moments of meditation all my masks must fall away with a noisy clattering sound. These masks are of odd material some hard some pliable but all have been constructed with years and years of choices. As a result of the accretion of poor choices made over time they have become quite heavy.
It is in the solitude of meditation that I strip away the masks, the grinding burdensome weight of the years. Silence alone with your soul does not tolerate lies. Quiet contemplation is akin to walking with a pebble in you shoe. You cannot countenance the irritant long and so it must be cast out. You stop, you consciously search for what is wrong and then you throw the pebble away. To take a few moments each day to sit quietly emptying your mind is to cast out the pebbles that stop us from being fully empowered, fully away, fully in acceptance.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
No Coffee for You!!!
After some chest pain the other week I went and saw my cardiologist. My bike and I had trouble getting up a hill. The quack and I talked and he told me that the chances were that it was not my heart. However once you are in a doctor’s office you will not leave without a test. We did a stress test, well actually two one without isotopes and the other with. Afterwards he okayed me to travel and do all the normal stuff.
As has often been the case when I visit my cardiologist I was read the riot act regarding caffeine. “G Manitou” he said with impatience, “You have got to cut the caffeine out totally”. Urggh I thought. Caffeine is my life blood. I am not a coffee drinker mind you but I have since about 10 years old consumed copious amounts of ice tea. Urggh I thought. Ice tea equates to the happy days of my youth as much as Tastykakes and cheesesteaks did.
Right now I am at two weeks without caffeine. I am making do with drinking dirty brown water in the form of either decaf ice tea (it I make it at home) or decaf McDonald’s coffee (once a day). At least the smell awakens memories.
It is only when you fall outside the norm you see the existing paradigm. As the Manitou family travelled last week I discovered how hard it was to find decaffeinated beverages. Once you are below the mid-point in Indiana it is impossible. America is addicted to this common stimulant to the degree we don’t even converse about it anymore. Opting to not drink caffeinated products is like making a choice to ride a bicycle to work or to wear only union made/American made clothing. You pretty much stand out as a freak.
On the road you have 20 or more choices of caffeine based products. Coke, Pepsi, diet colas, energy drinks with beastly sounding name cram the walk in coolers. If you want something else you have two or three choices at maximum, Sprite (or its variant produced by Pepsi or the local bottler), highly sugared sweet soda pop like orange or plastic bottles filled with water. I don’t need the calories of Sprite, I don’t like fruity drinks and I don’t want to add to the land fills so I don’t buy bottled water. Most of the time I went without a beverage to quench my thirst on those long ride segments.
One good thing that has come of it is that I am sleeping better. Without question when my head hits the pillow I am ready to take my rest. Also I am hitting the sack earlier. When you hit that wall of tiredness at 10:30 I have no reserves and so I just hand the day on the nail and pack it in.
In the long run I will probably be better for this. But for right now I miss my caffeine.
As has often been the case when I visit my cardiologist I was read the riot act regarding caffeine. “G Manitou” he said with impatience, “You have got to cut the caffeine out totally”. Urggh I thought. Caffeine is my life blood. I am not a coffee drinker mind you but I have since about 10 years old consumed copious amounts of ice tea. Urggh I thought. Ice tea equates to the happy days of my youth as much as Tastykakes and cheesesteaks did.
Right now I am at two weeks without caffeine. I am making do with drinking dirty brown water in the form of either decaf ice tea (it I make it at home) or decaf McDonald’s coffee (once a day). At least the smell awakens memories.
It is only when you fall outside the norm you see the existing paradigm. As the Manitou family travelled last week I discovered how hard it was to find decaffeinated beverages. Once you are below the mid-point in Indiana it is impossible. America is addicted to this common stimulant to the degree we don’t even converse about it anymore. Opting to not drink caffeinated products is like making a choice to ride a bicycle to work or to wear only union made/American made clothing. You pretty much stand out as a freak.
On the road you have 20 or more choices of caffeine based products. Coke, Pepsi, diet colas, energy drinks with beastly sounding name cram the walk in coolers. If you want something else you have two or three choices at maximum, Sprite (or its variant produced by Pepsi or the local bottler), highly sugared sweet soda pop like orange or plastic bottles filled with water. I don’t need the calories of Sprite, I don’t like fruity drinks and I don’t want to add to the land fills so I don’t buy bottled water. Most of the time I went without a beverage to quench my thirst on those long ride segments.
One good thing that has come of it is that I am sleeping better. Without question when my head hits the pillow I am ready to take my rest. Also I am hitting the sack earlier. When you hit that wall of tiredness at 10:30 I have no reserves and so I just hand the day on the nail and pack it in.
In the long run I will probably be better for this. But for right now I miss my caffeine.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
On a Hot Morning a Search for the Good
Blazing hot stuffy air, barely moved by a little breeze…
Meadowlark sitting quietly on a fence post in the dawn sun, his gold vest bright in the light of the east, his black bib tidy is turning his head this way, that way. This is Zen quietness without comment.
Thomas Merton
On those mornings that I do not read something spiritual I find myself lost during the course of the day. It need not be a holy text but it must be focused on something beyond the day to day demands that our urgent world places upon us. Thoughts about meaning and value or simply directions to practice zazen that is silent meditation these prepare me for those challenges I will see in any given cycle at the office.
Prayer, meditation and ritual all faiths seem to involve one of these. Many a person without faith has ritual. A morning stroll for a paper and coffee or an evening beer on the back porch these can be as important as a vespers service. Maybe we are hard wired for this stuff. Maybe it is something we need intrinsically.
Meadowlark sitting quietly on a fence post in the dawn sun, his gold vest bright in the light of the east, his black bib tidy is turning his head this way, that way. This is Zen quietness without comment.
Thomas Merton
On those mornings that I do not read something spiritual I find myself lost during the course of the day. It need not be a holy text but it must be focused on something beyond the day to day demands that our urgent world places upon us. Thoughts about meaning and value or simply directions to practice zazen that is silent meditation these prepare me for those challenges I will see in any given cycle at the office.
Prayer, meditation and ritual all faiths seem to involve one of these. Many a person without faith has ritual. A morning stroll for a paper and coffee or an evening beer on the back porch these can be as important as a vespers service. Maybe we are hard wired for this stuff. Maybe it is something we need intrinsically.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Dance in Light-Gratitude
One of the Buddhist maxims I stumbled across last night said that as a part of ritual to start the day I was to look at someone with gratitude. Other things involved in the ritual for commencing the day involved carefully preparing my meal, washing my bowl afterward, meditating and reading something silently.
Most of the stuff I do already. It is funny but one can be very mindful when preparing oatmeal and tea at the start of a day. And I usually read something spiritually/morally focused before I begin my first case.
When I first thought about the suggested look of gratitude I wondered how difficult it would be. Conveying gratitude is conveying appreciation or thankfulness. While I have contact with many people during the day, their acts carried out toward me are just done in the normal course of the stream of existence; they aren’t favors or kindnesses. Most people are just part of the world and on a basic gut level it doesn’t seem like I owe them thanks just for being.
As I thought about this I circled back to the concepts of mindfulness and acceptance. Each person I interact during each day is a sentient being and I owe them respect. Their lives are as fraught as mine with sadness and pain, struggle and doubt. In many cases the people I deal with are more tormented than I am. Many have sought refuge from the burdens of this world in chemicals and have allowed addiction to overcome their selves. Still it is easy to think that I don’t owe them thanks.
The people I work with as coworkers are just trying to make it from sunrise to sunset. They do what life has trained them to do in giving their effort. For the most part they are not overtly hostile. Sometimes they are downright helpful. Okay sometimes I owe them thanks but it is not a continuous thing.
However as Pablo Neruda said in his Noble Laureate acceptance speech we are all doing this clumsy dance of life together before a fire in a great unknown wilderness in an infinite night. Life is the fire itself in my mind and the dark wilderness and night is all that lies beyond this life. Using this metaphor I can appreciate that each and every person I come into contact with is doing the same dance that I am. I can look at them with gratitude for I am grateful they are willing to dance with me in the light and warmth of life’s fire.
Most of the stuff I do already. It is funny but one can be very mindful when preparing oatmeal and tea at the start of a day. And I usually read something spiritually/morally focused before I begin my first case.
When I first thought about the suggested look of gratitude I wondered how difficult it would be. Conveying gratitude is conveying appreciation or thankfulness. While I have contact with many people during the day, their acts carried out toward me are just done in the normal course of the stream of existence; they aren’t favors or kindnesses. Most people are just part of the world and on a basic gut level it doesn’t seem like I owe them thanks just for being.
As I thought about this I circled back to the concepts of mindfulness and acceptance. Each person I interact during each day is a sentient being and I owe them respect. Their lives are as fraught as mine with sadness and pain, struggle and doubt. In many cases the people I deal with are more tormented than I am. Many have sought refuge from the burdens of this world in chemicals and have allowed addiction to overcome their selves. Still it is easy to think that I don’t owe them thanks.
The people I work with as coworkers are just trying to make it from sunrise to sunset. They do what life has trained them to do in giving their effort. For the most part they are not overtly hostile. Sometimes they are downright helpful. Okay sometimes I owe them thanks but it is not a continuous thing.
However as Pablo Neruda said in his Noble Laureate acceptance speech we are all doing this clumsy dance of life together before a fire in a great unknown wilderness in an infinite night. Life is the fire itself in my mind and the dark wilderness and night is all that lies beyond this life. Using this metaphor I can appreciate that each and every person I come into contact with is doing the same dance that I am. I can look at them with gratitude for I am grateful they are willing to dance with me in the light and warmth of life’s fire.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Do not speak- unless it improves on silence. *
Ah my soul felt empty this morning. The kids are home from school and camps have not begun. Things that might benefit them like reading books or riding their bikes are not even on their radar. Instead the allure of computer gaming draws their focus. The house is disheveled. My school board meeting last night was brutal so I spent the hour between its end and my going to sleep by watching a weird science fiction show that I really don’t care about. But I was drained. When I got up my soul was empty.
When that happens I have to pull out the tried and true resources, the Bible, Merton, Portals of Prayer, Moon in a Dewdrop or maybe my new read Everyday Zen. Merton won out this a.m. Merton’s reflections today in my Year with Thomas Merton were tied to a visit from a fellow monastic who was versed in both Christian and Eastern faiths. As Merton noted the visit he noted his perturbation with a loud tractor in a field near the monastery. It seemed to him that this year’s model was louder and more aggressive sounding.
To paraphrase Merton, our new machines, our bright shinning “improved” tools represent our fury, our restlessness, our avidity and ultimately our despair. Around and around both our machines and our “paths of progress” go; he viewed it as so many meaninglessly pieces of clanking metal on a giant circular path. In search of something better we travel on an empty sad path.
Our desires to get the next thing to fill a hole in our life never actually fill it. And we have repeated the cycle often enough to know at least at the subconscious level that the new boy or girl friend, the new blouse, the new car will not change us and make us happier. So often our attempts at making “it” better leave the problem (or perhaps a better term is the emptiness) worse than it was before.
There is an ad out now trying to sell an upgrade program at a big box electronics store. In essence the advert goes like this, if you buy a computer today the computer with the x factor will be released tomorrow and the little kid next door will make fun of you. If you buy into the optional upgrade program you will get some allotted portion of your current purchase price applied to the next best thing when you buy that. Did I mention meaningless clanking? In this case the meaningless clanking becomes ritualized. What we need is acceptance of ourselves in place in our world.
I guess this is just a long winded way of getting to the point of acceptance and mindfulness as a way to approach the day. What is mindfulness? “Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” Sylvia Boorstein said this. Take today on its own terms mindfully you don’t need to fill any holes. Maybe it is better to say lose the passion to fill the holes.
The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love.
Jennifer Edwards
When that happens I have to pull out the tried and true resources, the Bible, Merton, Portals of Prayer, Moon in a Dewdrop or maybe my new read Everyday Zen. Merton won out this a.m. Merton’s reflections today in my Year with Thomas Merton were tied to a visit from a fellow monastic who was versed in both Christian and Eastern faiths. As Merton noted the visit he noted his perturbation with a loud tractor in a field near the monastery. It seemed to him that this year’s model was louder and more aggressive sounding.
To paraphrase Merton, our new machines, our bright shinning “improved” tools represent our fury, our restlessness, our avidity and ultimately our despair. Around and around both our machines and our “paths of progress” go; he viewed it as so many meaninglessly pieces of clanking metal on a giant circular path. In search of something better we travel on an empty sad path.
Our desires to get the next thing to fill a hole in our life never actually fill it. And we have repeated the cycle often enough to know at least at the subconscious level that the new boy or girl friend, the new blouse, the new car will not change us and make us happier. So often our attempts at making “it” better leave the problem (or perhaps a better term is the emptiness) worse than it was before.
There is an ad out now trying to sell an upgrade program at a big box electronics store. In essence the advert goes like this, if you buy a computer today the computer with the x factor will be released tomorrow and the little kid next door will make fun of you. If you buy into the optional upgrade program you will get some allotted portion of your current purchase price applied to the next best thing when you buy that. Did I mention meaningless clanking? In this case the meaningless clanking becomes ritualized. What we need is acceptance of ourselves in place in our world.
I guess this is just a long winded way of getting to the point of acceptance and mindfulness as a way to approach the day. What is mindfulness? “Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” Sylvia Boorstein said this. Take today on its own terms mindfully you don’t need to fill any holes. Maybe it is better to say lose the passion to fill the holes.
The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love.
Jennifer Edwards
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